


Journey

by crowleyhasfeels



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Bottom Castiel, Cheating, Dean/Cas Big Bang Challenge 2017, F/M, M/M, NSFW Art, Top Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 12:42:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 25,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12817767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crowleyhasfeels/pseuds/crowleyhasfeels
Summary: Dean never wanted to be a father, so when Castiel mentions children, he freaks out and bails. Fast forward and Dean is now the single father of a little girl and it is now time to go back and face his past. He knows that it is selfish of him to pull Castiel back into his life but he needs Castiel to know that he is a good father, or maybe he just needs Castiel.





	1. Love Doesn't Beat All

**Author's Note:**

> There are some seriously NSFW images in this story. You have been warned.

Story Written by:[crowleyhasfeels](http://archiveofourown.org/users/crowleyhasfeels)

Art by: [Quimvaa](http://quim-vaa.tumblr.com/)

Link to Art Masterpost: [quimvaa art](http://quim-vaa.tumblr.com/post/167855603665/so-i-did-art-for-crowleyhasfeels-fic)

Beta'd by: [NavajoLovesDestiel](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Navajo_Woman/pseuds/NavajoLovesDestiel)

 

“I’m not cut out for parenthood,” Dean said absent-mindedly, watching a man chasing down his screaming bundle of joy on the other side of the restaurant. Ha.

“I think you are going to make a wonderful father, Dean.”

Dean stared at his boyfriend, hoping the words he was hearing were nothing more than a joke. Castiel could not be serious about this.

            “Going to?” Dean raised a questioning eyebrow. “There is no ‘going to’.” He emphasized the words with Castiel’s own signature air quotes.

            “Yes.” Cas nodded, completely calm and shatteringly confident. “One day, we will make excellent fathers.”

            “When did we agree on that?” Dean was full of mixed emotions, mostly confusion and something resembling anger.

            “I just assumed,” Cas frowned. “We have been together for five years. I just figured that marriage and kids could come along when we were both ready.”

            “Marriage … maybe.” Dean took a quick pull of his beer, trying to calm his out of control nerves. “But kids? Come on Cas … I have never … you have never … just … really?”

             “I know I’ve never brought it up before.” Cas shook his head, lowering his eyes, but not fast enough to hide the disappointment. “But I have always hoped to be a father one day.”

            “I …” Fuck! Dean had no idea what to do or how to handle this situation. He was only twenty-five for God’s sake. He did not want kids, of this he was one hundred percent sure. “Can we talk about this later, maybe?”

            “Yes,” Cas sighed but nodded. “Later.”

_____

            Castiel had seemed to have moved on from their earlier conversation by the time they crawled into bed. But it was still like a fresh, painful wound in his mind and he tossed and turned the entire night, maybe getting a solid hour sleep in the process.

            When morning came, they fell into their normal routine.

Castiel made them coffee while Dean made breakfast. They ate in silence, Dean checking out the weather on his phone and Castiel reading the paper. They both got dressed, brushed their teeth and kissed each other goodbye. It was very domestic. Another finger pushed into the still open wound.

            DOMESTIC!

            MARRIAGE!

            CHILDREN!

            Dean normally left after Castiel in the morning. So, by the time he had decided to call in sick, Cas was already long gone for the day. He wasn’t sick but he needed to figure this all out before it became an actual problem.

            He loved Castiel. God, did he love Castiel? But kids? Dean swore to himself that he would never have children; not after his childhood. Sure, parts of his childhood had been amazing; full of love, laughter, and happiness.

Then his mother died.

After that, his life had been full of hotel rooms, raising his baby brother, and dealing with an alcoholic father who thought beating the crap out of his son was going to solve all of his problems. Yeah, Dean was certain he had not learned how to be a good father.

            Castiel; now there was a man who would make an amazing father. He was kind, smart, and caring. Reading to them at night, talking to them about their problems, all those dad things. Yeah, Cas would be amazing.

            Dean paced back and forth across the living room that he had been sharing with Cas for the past four years. It was the longest he’d ever had a home. But now the walls were closing in on him and he did not know how to fix it.

            Grabbing his phone, he quickly dialed his brother, hoping he wasn’t in class or busy. As selfish as it was, Dean needed his brother right now.

            “Dean?” His brother finally picked up.

Dean felt bad Sam sounded so surprised. In all honesty, Dean could not remember the last time he had called his brother. Normally, it was Sammy calling him.

            “Hey Sammy,” Dean tried to keep his voice even. “How are you?”

            “I am doing okay,” Damn, Sam knew something was up. Dean could just _tell_. “Are you doing okay?”

            “Yeah, of course, man,” Dean lied, trying to brush away the suspicions. “Can’t a guy just call his baby brother to say hey?”

            “Not generally,” Sam retorted.

            “Wow, Sammy,” Dean joked weakly, “I’m hurt.”

            “What is going on Dean?” Sam refused to play along. he knew Dean too well to put up with his bullshit.

            “I was just wondering if I could come visit you for a few days,” Dean sighed, giving in. A little, anyway. “I need some Sam time. Maybe we can go fishing or something?”

            “Did something happen with Cas?” Sam asked sympathetically. He really did know him too well.

            “No,” Dean lied again, probably too quickly this time, “Cas is fine. I’ve just been off lately and I think a vacation would help.”

            “Why not go on vacation with Cas?”

            Of course, he had to ask that.

            “Well,” Dean scrambled to quickly come up with a believable answer. “He is still in his probationary period at the University. He must be there for six months without missing any time, outside of a true emergency. The guy had the flu a few weeks back and he still went to work. So, I don’t think his boyfriend going through a down time is means for taking time off.”

              “I see.” Sam seemed to accept this as a valid reason. “And when were you thinking about taking this trip?”

            “I was thinking about heading out tonight actually.” Dean needed to leave quickly or he was going to end up staying, and Cas deserved better. “It’s like a twenty-seven-hour drive. So, I’m gonna need to stop a few times and sleep. It’s Wednesday now, I can be there on Saturday, Friday if I don’t make as many stops along the way for food and whatnot.”

            “Okay,” Sam sighed. Clearly, he still did not believe him, and for good reason. “I will see you when you get here. Text me when you stop for the night and let me know you are safe.”

            “I will Sammy,” Dean agreed, already moving toward the bedroom to get his things packed. “I will see you soon.”

            “And Dean?” Sammy’s voice seeped with concern.

            “Yeah?”

            “Are you sure about this?”

            “As sure as I am ever going to be. See you soon Sammy.”

_____

            Dean loaded everything he owned into Baby. Three duffle bags stuffed with clothes, as well as his guns, bathroom supplies, favorite mug, and a single picture of him and Castiel from his last birthday. Once all was loaded, he sat down at the table to write a letter. He knew it was a horrible way to go about all of this, but it was the best he could do. He couldn’t see or talk to Cas, or he would not be able to do this. A letter was all he had.

_Cas,_

_You are probably going to hate me after you read this and I don’t blame you. I hate me too right now. I am a coward and I know this. But I can’t give you the things that you want in life. I know the best thing would be to discuss it but I know us. One of us will end up sacrificing what we want or don’t want, just to make the other happy. I can’t let you make any sacrifices for me. You deserve better. Just know that I will always love you._

_I truly hope that you find a man, or even a woman, that can give you all your dreams._

_Goodbye, Cas_

_Dean_


	2. History Has A Way

            “I am sorry for your loss,” another random person that Dean didn’t know said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “But was a wonderful woman.”

            Dean would have laughed if he had the energy. Sure, Bela was a lot of things; she was loud, opinionated, sexy and smart; but a wonderful woman? Maybe if you could look past the fact that she lied more than she told the truth and had cheated on Dean more times than he could count. He felt wonderful was the wrong word to describe his late wife.

            “Thank you,” Dean replied, hoping they would quickly move on. As soon as they did, Dean set out to find his brother amongst the mess of people.

            Sam was only one of five people he really knew that was here. Sure, he had met the majority of these people through Bela at some point in time but if you asked him, he would not be able to tell you any of their names. Even they probably only knew Bela enough to come to her funeral but he was more than certain that she had not been close with anyone. He was married to the woman and even he wasn’t that close with her.

            “Where is she?” Dean asked in a panic when he saw Sam standing alone by a side wall.

            “Calm down Dean,” Sam reached out and grabbed his brother’s arm, steadying him. “Ellen took her upstairs. She was falling asleep and Ellen wanted people to stop touching her.”

            Dean nodded his understanding and took a deep breath. Every part of him wanted to run up the stairs and hide away with his daughter. He needed to be with her but he also needed to be down here. Ellen and Sam had both promised to keep an eye on her. He trusted them, he did, but they weren’t her parent and he was. In fact, he was her only one now.

            Dean made polite conversations with everyone who was attending Bela’s wake. Most of them had a story to tell and Dean would nod along. He would never tell you what these stories were because he was not listening but he pretended well enough to satisfy.

            Slowly, but surely, the mass of people dwindled down, until it was just him, Sam, Sam’s girlfriend Sarah, Ellen and Bobby. They helped get the place cleaned up before finally saying their goodbyes.

            “I can stay,” Ellen took Dean into her arms and whispered in his ear. “I know you are strong but it is okay for you to ask for help. We want to help.”

            “I know,” Dean fought back tears he had yet to cry. He appreciated all they had done for him over the past week but he could handle this on his own. “Thank you but I’ve got this covered.”

            “Call …” she began before Dean cut her off.

            “If I need anything,” he gave Ellen a forced smile. “I will.”

            “I’ll call you tomorrow,” Sam promised, pulling Dean into a hug. He did not want to hurt anyone’s feelings but Dean really wished that everyone would stop hugging him.

            “I will be fine,” Dean pulled away to make sure he was looking at everyone. “I promise. And, if I need anything, I will not hesitate to call.” But honestly, he probably would not call, at least, not for those reasons, even if he needed to. “Now go home. All of you.”

            Dean was subjected to a few more hugs and then they were gone. Dean loved all of them but he needed for them to stop with the smothering. He was fine. He was going to be fine. Journey was going to be fine as well. She was only three months old; next week, she probably would not even remember her mother. That sounded horrible, but it was the truth.

            Before heading upstairs, Dean grabbed a bottle of water. He wanted to be prepared if Journey woke up hungry in the middle of the night. He had to prove, though mainly to himself, that he could do this. He could be a good dad.

            Journey’s room was sparkling with lights and shapes from something that Ellen had bought her. It was supposed to help sooth her or keep her calm or something. Dean thought it was kind of stupid but he didn’t fight it. Ellen knew more about raising kids than he did.

            She was sound asleep though and Dean could not help but smile down at her. Once upon a time, he left the most important person in his life because he did not want to be a father. Now he could see that leaving was important. If he would not have left when he did, he would not have Journey now, and Journey was everything.

            Dean covered her up and made his way to his room, undressed and crawled directly into bed. He would shower and all that good stuff tomorrow, but tonight, he just wanted to sleep it off. He hoped that sleep would come fast but he found himself staring up at the ceiling for far too long.

            “Fuck,” Dean muttered to himself before pulling back to covers. He made his way down the hall to what Bela had termed, ‘the guest bedroom.’ Why they needed a guest bedroom was beyond him. Until this event, no one ever stayed at their house long enough to be considered a guest. But, in the end, he was now grateful for the twin bed it held.

            Dean pulled the pillows and blankets from the guest bed, leaving the sheet on it, and carried it down the hall to Journey’s room. He laid it out on the floor beside her crib before going into his room to grab his own pillow and blanket. He needed to be next to her tonight, not alone.

            Once the bed was made up, Dean stood over his daughter's crib once again. “It'll be okay. We'll be okay.”

            Journey’s eyes softly fluttered open and Dean felt a little bad that he had woken her up. But when her hazel eyes locked with his, he knew it was going to be alright. They had each other. He would not let her down.

            “Hey, pretty lady.” Dean cooed down at her. “I'm sorry I woke you up.”

            Journey began to move around, the best she could for her age. Dean took this as a request and picked her up, cradling her in his arms. She was so small. Dean could remember the day she was born and the nurse handed her to him. He was so scared that he was going to break her because she was so little. She had grown a little since then but the feeling was still there.

            Dean talked to her, grateful that she could not understand him. It was not the most healthy thing, having a deep, serious conversation with your child but he did not see the harm in it yet. She enjoyed the sound of his voice and he obviously had some things to say.

            “I don’t know if you know this,” Dean began, his voice beginning to crack as he fought back tears. “My mom died when I was little too. Sadly, I was old enough to remember her. I know it’s bad, but I am glad you won’t be able to remember. Sam seems to be doing pretty good not remembering.”

            Dean shook his head. He knew she would want to know about Bela, at some point. “Don’t worry,” Dean began to make a promise to her, one he would force himself to keep. “I will tell you all about her when you are ready.”

            “Hey Jude,” Dean began to lightly bounce Journey in his arms, her hazel eyes growing sleepy. “Don’t make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better.”

            Dean couldn’t fight it anymore; he let the tears fall. They fell harder than he had planned but that was okay. It was okay to cry.


	3. A Memory is Worth Another Memory

            “She is doing fine,” Dean rolled his eyes, happy that Ellen could not see him. “She's watching me work on Baby.”

            “Do not make that beautiful little girl become a dirty mechanic,” Ellen warned jokingly. She was married to a dirty mechanic and her son happened to be one as well.

            “So, bartender then?” Dean knew he was going to be smacked upside the head for that one later. But seriously, what was wrong with being a beautiful girl mechanic?

            “Don’t you sass me, boy.” Dean laughed. It felt good to laugh. Sadly, those moments were few and far between.

            “Shoot,” Dean looked down at his watch, fully aware that Ellen could not actually see him. “Look at the time.”

            “Uh huh,” Ellen laughed. “You're bringing that baby to dinner tomorrow night. right?”

            “Yes,” Dean sighed. The joys of family dinner night. He had missed a bunch in the past. Bela was not really into family gatherings or families for that matter. “We will be there.”

            “Okay, good.” Ellen accepted his answer and hung up.

            “Grandma Ellen is crazy,” Dean wasn’t sure why he used baby talk when talking with Journey. Maybe it was because Bela had hated it. “Yes, she is.”

            Dean finished up what he was doing, got his hands cleaned and grabbed Journey out of her playpen. He moved them into the house to make lunch. Her lunch was not as great as his was, but it was probably healthier. Maybe he should offer Sam a bottle.

            “What should we do today?” Dean asked as they enjoyed their lunches. Journey didn’t even give him her attention. “You're no help.”

            Dean looked around the house, thinking about all the things that he needed to do. He had no desire to do any of them but he knew that they needed to get done sooner or later. The longer he put things off, the more likely it was that it would not get done at all. He only had two more weeks off from work, even though he didn’t really need to work, so he needed to get moving.

            First, Dean cleaned out the kitchen, since he was already in there. He tossed out all the excessive dishes and fancy plates, along with a salad tosser and the espresso machine. He would offer those two things to Sam and Sarah before throwing them out, or maybe even donate them. Donation would be best, it’s not like he is throwing out the trash, just things he will never use.

            Once he was finished with the kitchen, he made his way through the downstairs. He got rid of things he would never use but kept things that Journey might want to have someday. Bela collected random Knick knacks. Dean did not see the point in them but they were a part of Bela and Journey deserved to know who Bela was, no matter how Dean had felt about her.

            Dinner came and went and Dean finally got Journey into bed. He had slept the last few nights in her room, and though he would end up in there soon, he was not completely ready for bed himself. He decided, a little reluctantly, that he would go through their room. What he was afraid of, he wasn’t sure. Yeah, Bela was gone and he missed her, along with being sad for Journey, but over the last year, they had grown further and further apart.

            Dean started in the closet, putting all her shoes into boxes. He never realized how many she had until now. She had a lot of everything really. That was part of the reason he had always called her ‘the collector.’ She hated the nickname but she liked it a great deal more than being called a hoarder; which is essentially what she was. Even a professional would coin her as so. If Dean wanted to have a yard sale, he would have plenty of inventory and make a pretty penny. Unfortunately, he had no actual desire to do such a thing. He just wanted to clean out his home and his life, so that he could move forward.

            Dean came to a standstill when his fingers grazed over a silky black dress. It was the dress she had been wearing when they had met. Sam had asked Dean to go to this uppity party with him and Sarah. Dean knew it was their attempt at trying to hook him up with someone so he declined. Somehow, he still ended up there.

            At the party, he had hung out away from the crowd of people. He felt out of place and was sure that he had nothing in common with anyone outside of Sam and Sarah, but they were off talking to other people that they knew. That is when she fainted. Just some random girl walking by. One second she was upright, the next, she was in his arms, lucky that he had caught her.

            People flocked around, including one of those suited penguins, holding a tray of Hors d’oeuvres. Dean held her in one arm while he used the other to reach out and grab one of the crab cakes, popping it into his mouth.

            “That is delicious,” Dean informed the Penguin with his mouth still full.

            “Seriously?” The angered question came from the girl in his arms. Startled, he dropped her.

            “Seriously what?” Dean asked as he helped her to her feet, examining her. The crowd began to fade away, now that they could see that she was alright.

            “A girl passes out in your arms and you grab a bite to eat,” Her accent was one that was hard to read but he could tell by the hands on her hips that she was not happy with him.

            “I am not the one who passed out and I was hungry,” Dean argued back. “Those crab cakes are amazing by the way.”

            “Oh, I know,” she smiled, closing the distance between them. “I had some earlier this evening.”

            “You don’t think they are why you passed out do you?” Dean asked with a concerned look on his face.

            “No,” she shook her head. “Considering I didn’t actually pass out.”

            “Come again?” Dean raised an eyebrow at her.

            “I was faking it,” she admitted.

            “You were faking passing out?” He asked, his question being confirmed with a nod. “Why?”

            “You looked bored,” she gave him a flirtatious smile, “and hot.”

            The Penguin man walked by again and Dean used this time to grab as many crab cakes as he could hold in his hands, before turning back to her. “Crab cake?”

            Dean smiled at the memory. Though things had gotten worse with them over the last year and their relationship was always rocky, they always managed to have fun and laugh. She was no Castiel, and he never truly loved her but she was the one he had deserved, and now she was gone and they were alone.

            Dean tossed her black dress and all her other clothes into another box, except this one pink and blue oversized shirt with a hole in the side. It was torn apart but it was her go to shirt when she was sick or just wanted to be lazy. This one he was going to give to Journey.

            Once all of her clothes were in boxes, Dean began to go through the random shoe boxes of things, stuffed on the shelves of the closet. Most of them were memories of her life, so Dean decided not to throw any of them away. One day, he would give them all to Journey and she could decide what she wanted to keep out of them.

            That is when he spotted it; a box he had not seen in nearly six years. It sat in the far back corner, the black having turned charcoal from the dust it had been collecting over the years. He fought with himself as to whether he was going to open it but soon, he was sitting on the floor in the closet, the lid to the box resting beside him.

            Sitting at the very top of the pile was a picture. It was taken on his twenty-fifth birthday. Cas had gotten them tickets to a club where a Beatles Tribute Band was playing. They were smiling, nothing going wrong in their worlds. Bean missed that feeling. He missed Cas. He had missed Cas from the moment he had left for work that morning.

            Dean reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. He went through the contacts until he found the one that was labeled ‘Novak.’ It sounded rather businesslike, so he was sure if Bela was ever going through his phone, which she had probably done numerous times, this one probably did not stand out as suspicious. It probably was not even his number anymore. It had been six years; even Dean had a new phone number. But he was going to try. Quickly, before he could second-guess himself, Dean pushed the call button; he had forgotten that it was nearly one in the morning where Cas was.

            “Hello?” It had been six years and still, Dean could fully recognize the voice on the other end of the line. It was a tired mix of glass and whiskey on the rocks. “Hello?”

            Before Dean had a chance to answer, another voice could be heard. “Cassie darling? Who is calling you at this godforsaken hour?”

            Dean hung up as quickly as he had called, tears burning against his eyes. Cas moved on. Of course, he had. Dean had moved on … in a way. He had gotten with Bela. That was kind of like moving on. He begged himself not to cry. He and been the one that told Cas to move on. But he was shitty at listening to himself. So, for the second time this week, Dean cried.


	4. Before It's Too Late

            Dean made it through their family dinner without being smothered too much. The same could not be said for Journey. Dean was grateful that so many people loved her and wanted to be active in her life. None of that would make up for her not having a mother but it would be helpful in the future.

            “I know this girl,” a drunk Rufus took a seat next to Dean. “Beautiful. A teacher. Would make a great mother.”

            “Excuse me?” Dean would have been offended if it were anyone else. But Rufus was a drunk and always saying inappropriate things. He meant well though, which was important.

            “That ittle gurl is gon need a mum,” Rufus slurred, leaning into Dean to keep his balance, even though he was currently sitting. “I know a lady.”

            “I appreciate the offer,” Dean kept himself together. “But I'm going to pass this time.”

            “Suit yourself,” Rufus did not push it anymore but it got Dean thinking none the less. Journey was going to need a mom.

_____

            Before Dean had the chance to talk himself down, he was loading up the Impala. This time was different though. This time there were toys and a playpen in the trunk, and enough clothes and diapers to last Journey a lifetime. It was more then they needed really but his new motto in life was over prepared is better than under prepared.

            “We are going on a road trip,” Dean bounced Journey in his arms before securing her into her car seat.

            Dean locked up the house and climbed into his baby. He was going to have to change her name though. These days, when he was talking about his baby, he was usually referring to Journey. He was willing to change his original baby’s name for something; that was love.

            “How about ‘my love’?” Dean asked Journey. She looked up at him with little emotion. So, that name was out.

            Dean threw out a few more names, such as Doll, Lucky, and even Bela. Yet none of these names seemed to get a rise out of his daughter.

            “Ah,” Dean laughed, looking down at his little girl. “How about Princess?”

            Dean had only been joking but a coo escaped Journey’s mouth. That was a sign, right? Princess was kind of a girly name but his baby was a girl, so, he supposed it worked. Plus, he could not really argue with Journey.

            “Princess it is,” Dean nodded. “We make a great team, you and me.”

_____

            It was eleven by the time Dean decided they should stop for the night. He had stopped many times to eat, stretch, feed and change Journey and just get her out of the car for a while but now was the time for him to try and get some sleep.

            It was not his idea of luxury, but now that he had money, the places he could stay at were nicer. He did not splurge for fancy since they were only going to be staying one night but he wanted to make sure that the place was at least clean and warm. Journey deserved clean and warm.

            The room was both warm and inviting. It had giant sinks and a large and a two or more person tub. He wanted to indulge himself but he gave Journey a bath in one of the giant sinks instead. She had an amazing time, laughing while Dean pretended to splash water on her. He wore her out enough for her to fall fast asleep after a bottle.

            Dean set up the playpen by the bathroom door. He wanted to be able to not only hear but see her while he took a bath. Normally, he would laugh that baths were for girls but his body ached. It was funny how much the body suffered when the heart and the mind were in disarray.

            “What are you doing?” Dean asked himself, running a wet hand through his hair.

            Castiel had someone, that much was certain, Dean had heard it with his own ears. So, why was Dean traveling across the country to see him? Maybe it was to show Cas that he was wrong and the Cas had been right. He was not a perfect father by any means but he was a damn good one. Journey was happy and Dean would do anything in his power to keep her that way. That was the best thing any parent could do.

            Once again, as Dean finally settled into bed, he dialed Castiel’s number. He was not certain he was going to say anything, he just needed to hear Cas’ voice.

            “Hello?” Castiel’s voice was soft, a whisper through the phone line.

            Dean tried to say something but his voice kept getting caught in his throat. What could he even say? Sorry for breaking your heart? Sorry for running away like a chicken shit coward? Oh, by the way, I had that kid you wanted but I did it with someone else? This was a stupid idea.

            “Dean?’ Cas asked into the phone and Dean couldn’t breathe. “Dean, is that you?”

            Answer, you idiot! Instead, like a coward again, he hung up. He needed to think this through a little more. He would find the words and when he did, he would say them to Cas in person. Cas deserved at least that much from him.

            Dean picked up the phone again, only this time, he called Sam.

            “Dean!” Sam answered quicker than normal, his voice filled with panic. “Where the Hell are you?”

            “Some hotel in Lovelock, Nevada,” Dean answered. Sam was going to be angry but not as angry as Ellen. She hated when he did shit like this. “I am fine though and so is Journey. We just needed a little vacation is all.”

            “You could have let someone know,” Sam went all parental on Dean, causing him to roll his eyes with a small smile. He could picture Sam yelling at him; it looked like a giant toddler throwing a tantrum. “We have all been worried sick.”

            “Sorry, mom. I just knew that if I told you, you would have tried to talk me out of it.” Dean knew that was a lie. Sam, of all people, was really good at supporting Dean; even through all his bad decisions.

            “You know that's not true,” Sam was quick to correct him. “Where have you headed anyway?”

            “I don’t know. Anywhere. Kansas maybe.” Dean made sure to mumble his way through that last part the best that he could.

            “Dean!”

            “What?”

            “You can’t do this.” Sam’s voice was firm but at the same time, understanding.

            “And why is that?”

            “For starters,” Great, there was going to be a list. “It has been six years. And secondly, you can’t just go barging back into his life, with a baby in your arms, and expect it to all workout.”

            “It’s not like I am trying to get back together with Cas.”

            “Sure.”

            “It’s true.” In fact, Dean had not gone into this with that intention at all. All he wanted to do was apologize. “I am just going to tell him that I am sorry.”

            “You can’t just call him and do that?” Sam asked. “You have to drive all the way across the country with Journey?”

            “Right,” Dean confirmed. “I broke up with him via a letter. I am not going to apologize in that same shitty way. He deserves better than that.”

            “Okay,” Sam did not argue any further. “Just be careful. And let me know a couple of times a day that you and J are okay. Also, give her a hug from me.”

            There was a muffled sound on the other end before Sam came back on the line. “Also, please give her a hug and kiss from Sarah.”

            “I will,” Dean agreed. “And Sammy?”

            “Yeah, Dean?”

            “Thank you.” Dean owed more to his brother than he was ever going to be able to repay. “And let everyone know that we are okay and that we will be home in about a week, two tops.”

            “I will.”

            “Night, Sammy.”

            “Night, Dean.”


	5. Fish, Chips and Surprises

            They were on their way the next morning, both feeling refreshed and ready to go. After his talk with Sam, Dean was more determined than ever to get this right. Now, he just needed to figure out what he was going to say.

            “Should I be funny or serious?” Dean asked Journey when she woke up from her nap. She looked up at him through hazel eyes. She looked just like him but her eyes would always remind him of Bela. “Right. Serious is better. This is no joking matter. Though, you have to admit, your old man is pretty damn funny.”

            Journey chose that moment to look away, causing Dean to scoff. “What? I’m hilarious and you know it. I’m gonna tell the best dad jokes for miles.”

           “Here’s one,” Dean finally spoke after a few minutes of silence. “What do you call a potato with glasses?”

            Journey turned her gaze back to Dean, just in time for the punchline. If he did not know any better, he would think that she could understand him. “A spect-tator … haha … Get it? … a spec … never mind. I’m hilarious.”

_____

            They stopped for two more overnight adventures before they finally arrived in Lawrence. It felt good coming back. Dean had been born here, along with Sam. So, this was technically their home. He pointed out random places to Journey, telling her stories about their significance in his life.

            Since it was only two in the afternoon when they arrived, Dean figured Castiel was still at work. That would give him plenty of time to get them checked into a hotel and cleaned up. He could maybe even try to calm his nerves down a bit.

            All of that happened quicker than he had expected. So, Dean decided, that since he was in town, he would stop in on some old friends; that was assuming that they didn’t all hate him for what he had done to Cas.

            “Okay,” Dean clicked Journey’s car seat into its companion stroller, feeling very fatherly about it. Then he headed toward the entrance of Benny’s Fish and Chips. Benny had opened it a few months before Dean had left town. He was happy for his friend that it was still going and seemed to be a popular place. “Now, Benny comes off a little intimidating but he is a great guy, I promise. You're going to love him.”

            Taking a deep breath, Dean entered the diner. It was busy inside for being the middle of the day. That really wasn’t a surprise though. Benny was an amazing cook. When he said that he wanted to open a diner, not a single person felt it would be a bad idea. Food was what Benny was good at.

            “You can have a seat wherever you like,” A beautiful brunette, who looked to be pregnant to the point of popping, informed him with a smile.

            “Thank you,” Dean nodded at her.

            Dean maneuvered the stroller down the aisle and stopped at the first empty booth that he could find, pulling Journey up to the side and out of the way. Since he was not sure how long he was going to be here, he was not going to get her settled into the diner just yet.

            “What can I get for you two?” The brunette approached them, her smile from a few moments ago still plastered across her face.

            “I’m looking for someone actually,” Dean informed her. He was not going to order just yet either.

            “Who might that be?” Her smile fading into a look of curiosity.

            “Benny Lafitte,” Dean gave her a smile, hoping to bring hers back.

            “And why might you be interested in talking with Benny?” She moved one of her hands to her hips, her look no longer amused. People must come looking for him a lot.

            “We are old friends actually,” Dean told her. In fact, for the majority of their lives, they had been best friends. So, in a way, he had kind of left Benny as well. This was starting to become a bad idea. “Is he here?”

            “Can I tell him who's looking for him?”

            “Uh, Dean. Dean Winchester.”

            “Dean?” Her face fell to that of shock and Dean suddenly felt very nervous. “You're Dean Winchester?”

            “In the flesh,” He leaned back to show himself off in his entirety. Not like she really cared to get a good look at him. “So, is he in?”

            “Yeah,” her appearance was now harder to read than ever. She looked cautious but happy at the same time. Maybe he didn’t need to be nervous after all. “He is cooking right now though, so it might be a bit. Can I get you something to eat, or maybe some coffee while you wait?”

            “Some coffee would be wonderful,” Dean nodded with a smile. “Thank you.”

            She nodded at him and made her way behind the counter, heading back behind a door that said kitchen. Dean swallowed hard, wondering how bad it would be if he got up right now and bolted. That would not be the best. He really needed to stop running away from things.

            “Well ain’t you a sight for sore eyes,” Benny quickly made his way out of the kitchen. Dean hoped that meals were not being ruined or delayed for him but then again, he was so happy to see his friend. “And what do we have here?”

            Benny knelt over Journey’s stroller to look her over. “That is one fine looking lady you got there, brother.”

            “Thank you,” Dean crawled out of the booth and wrapped his arms around his friend. He had not realized just how much he had missed Benny until now.

            “What's her name?” Benny pulled away and sat himself down in the booth across from Dean.

            “Journey,” Dean looked from Benny over to his little girl. She was watching Benny closely but she seemed more intrigued than scared. She could read a good person when she saw one. “Journey Styx Winchester.”

            “Well that's a name if I ever heard one,” Benny laughed. Dean loved it. It felt that her name had character. Bela hated it but they made a deal; if they had a boy, she could name him and if they had a girl, Dean got to do the naming. “It suits her.”

            “It sure does,” Dean looked her over again. “It’ sure does.”

_____

            Dean and Benny spent two hours talking. Luckily, he had people working for him that could almost cook as good as him, so it was not detrimental to his business. Dean had learned that the pregnant woman was named Andrea and she was Benny’s wife. She was currently pregnant with their third child, all girls. Dean had promised to come to dinner in the next few days and meet his family.

 

            But now it was six o’clock. Journey had just fallen asleep and they were sitting outside of the apartment building where he used to live with Cas. Benny had confirmed that Castiel still lived there. He was dating some blond British man from England and even though he said he was happy, Benny felt he was miserable. Dean was not sure how to feel about all of that information.

            Dean clicked the car seat back onto the stroller and covered it up with a blanket. Maybe it would be better for her to be asleep through all of this. She was only three months but she had been good about sensing Dean’s emotions. If he got emotional, he figured sleeping would be the best thing for her.

            How long he stood at their door, he doesn’t know. If could have been only seconds, though it felt like an eternity had come and gone. Maybe this was a stupid idea. He still had time to turn around and head back to his car. He could stay in town quietly to visit his friends and then go home and get back to whatever life he was going to have from this point forward. But that was the coward move. Journey needed a father who wasn’t a coward. This was his first step in proving that he could do as he said he would.

            And then he was knocking. The sound so loud beneath his fists that he felt he was pounding the door down, or was that just his heart banging in his ears? Terror brought itself to the surface and for a moment, he couldn’t breathe.

            “Hello?” Dean’s eyes went wide as the door opened, a tall, slender, blond and very British man standing in front of him. “Can I help you?”

            “Uh … um …” Dean was in a panic. He ran his hand through his hair and stopped on the back of his neck, rubbing it almost painfully. “Uh … is Cas here?”

            “Cassie!” The man turned around and disappeared into the house, yelling like an idiot. “There is some bloke at the door with a baby here to see you.”

            “What?” Castiel’s voice sent a wave of calm through his body. It was a strange feeling and it almost knocked him off his feet. He was ready for this.

            “Hot guy,” the Brit continued. “But he has one of those small things … you know … a baby.”

            “Why would a guy with a baby be at our door looking for m…” Castiel was now standing in front of him, eyes wide. God, his eyes were so blue. Dean had forgotten how incredibly blue they were. “Dean.”

            “Hey Cas,” Dean gave him a nervous smile. Cas’ eyes moved between Dean and the stroller that was beside him. “Surprise.”


	6. All is Not Lost or Forgotten

            It felt weird being inside of the apartment. It looked nothing like it did when he lived here. There were still books, but they were neatly placed on bookshelves. Posters no longer lined the walls, now there was art and other stuff you would expect to find in a gallery somewhere. It did not feel like a home, at least, not a home that Dean would ever live in. He was saddened that this was where Cas called home. His Cas was messy and awkward and disorganized but in a really organized kind of way. Now … well, Dean was no longer sure who he was. That was his fault though; he is the one who left.

            “What are you doing here?” Cas was pacing along the length of the living room. “And you have a … a baby?”

            “Yeah,” Dean looked down at the stroller, checking for any sign of movement. He kind of hoped that she would wake up so that he could use it as an excuse to leave, but she seemed to be sleeping soundly. “And um … I came to apologize.”

            “Really?” the Brit, who Dean had learned was named Balthazar chimed in. Who named their child Balthazar? Sure, Castiel was not the most normal name but it was better than Balthazar. “You up and leave Cassie six years ago with nothing but a poorly executed letter and you think you get to come back and apologize?”

            “Yeah,” Dean nodded, glaring in Balthazar’s direction. He was not even going to pretend to like this guy. “That is exactly what I expected to do.”

            “Why?” Cas questioned, his emotions unreadable but his voice stayed even.

            “I messed up,” Dean jumped right into it. The quicker he got this over with, the quicker he got to leave. “And unfortunately, it took some recent events in my life to realize what I had to do.”

            “What,” Balthazar spoke again, though Dean really wished he wouldn’t talk at all. “You had a baby and suddenly you have to come back to Cas? Cause a baby sure isn’t going to win him back for you.”

            “Zar,” Castiel’s voice grew stern but it was still small and distant. It reminded Dean of how Sam used to talk with their father; that did not sit well with Dean. “Please?”

            “I’m sorry,” Balthazar stood up from the arm of the chair where he was sitting and walked over to Cas. “When I met you, you were a shell of a man and it was all because of this Neanderthal.”

            “Please, give him a chance to speak,” Castiel all but begged. Dean fidgeted in his seat. He really hated this Balthazar guy now.

            “Fine,” Balthazar waved his hands up in defeat, taking his spot back on the arm rest of the chair opposite of Dean. 

            “I didn’t come here to win him back,” Dean’s voice was dripping with anger but he tried to keep it calm for Cas’ sake. “And I sure as hell did not bring Journey with me as some bargaining tool.”

            “Her name is Journey?” Cas startled both Balthazar and Dean back into reality with his question. They had both been busy going to war with each other with their eyes.

            “Yeah,” Dean smiled up at him. It was because of Cas that he even considered the name. Cas used to sing ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ whenever they would go to karaoke. Dean always used to laugh at him for it but Cas loved the damn song. “Just a small-town girl, living in a lonely world.”

            “What is that supposed to mean?” Balthazar asked, an honest to God look of curiosity on his face. How did he not know the words to Cas’ favorite song?

            “It's a very nice name, Dean,” Cas smiled.

            “Thank you,” Dean leaned back in his seat. Castiel did not seem as mad at him as he imagined he would be.

            “May I … um …” Castiel stuttered over his words, something he had never done in his life. “May I see her?”

            “Of course,” Dean slowly pulled back the blanket that was covering her car seat. If she was awake for any reason, he did not want to startle her with a quick burst of light. Luckily though, she was sound asleep.

            Castiel made his way slowly across the room and looked down at Dean’s sleeping daughter. His eyes suddenly filled with sadness and Dean’s heart broke just looking at him. He wanted to take him into his arms and cry with him. He wanted to tell him that he was so sorry for leaving him and that he was wrong about being a parent. Being a parent was awesome and he was sorry he could not have given that to Cas. He was an idiot and Cas needed to know that. But Balthazar’s eyes watched them like razor blades aimed at its prey, ready to pounce and claim defeat. So, Dean sat where he was and pretended to not be phased by any of this.

            “She is beautiful, Dean,” Castiel smiled down at her.

            “It’s just a baby,” Balthazar obviously could not help himself. “When did you start caring about babies?”

            What? Dean looked back and forth between Balthazar and Cas, trying to put everything together. Cas had not discussed having kids with Balthazar? According to Benny, the two had been together for almost four years now. So, Dean could not help himself from asking. “You guys don’t want children?”

            “Well, I have always wanted some,” Balthazar spoke up. Dean looked at Cas for his input but he refused to make eye contact with either one of them. “But Cassie here said that he would make a horrible father and would prefer not to have any. Since I was not super set on it, I figured I could live without.”

            “Oh,” Dean nodded as if he understood, but he didn’t. His entire life changed six years ago when the man standing next to him said they should have children. He had run away because Cas wanted children and Dean could see just how badly he wanted them. Now he had no desire for children at all. “Um, I really need to get going. It's getting late and she is going to be up soon.”

            “Stay,” Castiel almost reached out for Dean but stopped himself, quickly looking over at Balthazar, as if to apologize. “I can make us all some dinner and we can catch up.”

            “I would love to,” Dean lied, he didn’t want to be here any longer. He was too confused right now. “But I drove for a long time and I just need to go get us settled in. Maybe we can meet up later if I am in town long enough.”

            “Yeah,” Castiel nodded. Dean could see the slouch of his shoulders and the missing gleam in his eyes. Had Dean done that to him? Had he broken him so badly that he was no longer Castiel? Was this on his head?

            They said their goodbyes and Castiel walked Dean and Journey to the door. Balthazar had disappeared somewhere in the house and Dean was grateful. He really hated that guy, why was Cas even with him?

            “Thank you for coming,” Cas gave a small broken smile to Dean at the door. “It was really good seeing you … and Journey.”

            “Of course,” Dean nodded, smiling down at his sleeping daughter, the only thing left in this world that he understood. “Take care Cas.”

            “You too, Dean,” Cas watched them make their way down the hall. Dean looked back on occasion, their eyes locking with one another, until Dean was in the elevator, a single tear sliding down his cheek. Damn it with the tears already.


	7. Breaking All The Rules

            Dean laid beside Journey on the bed, wiggling different toys in front of her. Her little giggles were all that Dean needed in life. Knowing that she was happy, even if just for today, was something that he could take comfort in. Tomorrow was an empty picture that would not be painted until the time arrived, but they had today. They would always have today.

            “We are going to be fine,” Dean tickled at Journey’s little feet. She tried to get to them but it was a skill she hadn’t mastered yet. She would get there though; she was a smart baby. “We are gonna go home and see Uncle Sammy and Aunt Sarah. You are gonna go hang out with Grandma Ellen and Papa Bobby, both of who I' m sure miss you like crazy right now.”

            Dean rested his head in his hand and propped himself onto his elbow. “Yeah,” he whispered to her, though he was talking more to himself. “We are going to be fine, you and me.”

            Dean was just about to get up and grab a snack out of the mini-fridge in their room when there was a knock on the door. It was nine in the evening, so Dean had no idea who it would be. It was too late for room service and no one knew where he was. Hopefully, there was nothing wrong. It was probably just someone who had the wrong room.

            “Wanna get that with me?” Dean picked Journey up and cradled her in his arms, bouncing her the entire way. He stopped, just long enough to pull open the door. “Cas?”

            “Hello, Dean.” Cas looked at Dean, then brought his eyes to Journey before letting them fall to the floor. “I'm sorry to bother you.”

            “You aren’t,” Dean answered honestly. Never could Cas be a bother to Dean, though Dean was still confused about the person that Cas had become. “Please … come in.”

            “Thank you, Dean,” Cas stepped through the doorway. He instantly reached out and tickled Journey. She giggled at him and his eyes lit up, just enough to show that spark that Dean had remembered. “How old is she?”

            “She will be four months in a week,” Dean boasted proudly. He had been proud before, mainly of Sam, but this was different. “She is growing like a weed.”

            There was silence next. It was awkward and uncomfortable. Dean knew that he needed to do something but he did not want to scare Cas away. It was very likely; the man looked shook and could possibly run at any moment.

            “So,” Dean broke the silence, moving further into the room and sitting not the edge of the bed. “How did you find me?”

            “I um …” Cas walked into the room and sat down in one of the chairs at a small table next to the bed. “I drove around town until I saw your car. I figured you still had her. She is still beautiful by the way.”

            “Yeah,” Dean smiled, thinking of his car. He took excellent care of her. If you didn’t know any better, you would think she was brand new. He hoped that would never change. “Princess doesn’t age. I wish I didn’t age.”

            “Princess?” Cas’ brow wrinkled with his question and he cocked his head to the side, a small gesture that Dean had forgotten how much he had once loved it. “Is that not baby?”

            “Oh, it is,” Dean laughed, not even realizing what he had done. “Journey helped me pick the new name. Since whenever I talk about my baby these days, I am talking about this little one, I figured to avoid any confusion, I would have to change her name. She liked princess.”

            “That’s sweet,” Castiel smiled down at the little one in Dean’s arms, her eyes growing tired. She began to fuss just slightly. “I can leave if this is a bad time.”

            “Nah,” Dean stood up. “She's just hungry.”

            Dean began to walk toward the kitchen but stopped himself. He turned back towards Castiel and leaned toward him slightly. “Would you like to hold her while I make her a bottle?”

            “I would love to,” Cas’ entire face lit up like it was Christmas and every gift he had asked for was under the tree. Dean wanted so badly to press his lips to the smile but he held himself back. This Cas did not belong to him.

            Dean helped Castiel get Journey into a comfortable position for both of them. She fussed for a moment but then grew still, taking in the man who was now holding her. Both of them locked eyes and for a moment, Dean was lost. This is what he could have had. But he couldn’t think about that. He had to keep reminding himself that if he had not done what he did, he would not have Journey. Journey needed to be in this world. She was his soul saver.

            “Cas?” Dean could not hold his breath anymore. He drove all the way across the country to apologize to Cas and this is what he got. Cas should be yelling at him, he should be something other than holding his daughter and smiling. “What’s going on?”

            “What do you mean?” Castiel looked up from Journey, his stern expression returning.

            “You,” Dean motioned up and down the length of Castiel’s body. “This isn't you. Earlier, you were all meek, letting that stupid British dude walk all over you. And kids? Don't you want kids? You have always wanted kids.”

            “I always wanted to have kids with the right person,” Castiel’s voice showed a hint of emotion and Dean liked that, he could work with that. But, before he got to into it, he took Journey and began to feed her. Their conversation could wait a few moments.

            It did not take long for Journey to eat and fall asleep. Dean turned off all of the lights except for the front room one. You could still see the bed and the kitchen from the dim light. Once she was snuggled up on the bed, Dean motioned for Cas to sit on the couch near the door.

            “If this guy isn’t the right person to have kids with,” Dean began, watching Cas’ body stiffen. “Then why are you with him?”

            “What does it matter to you?”

            “I still care.”

            “Sure, you do. You cared so much that you left me.” Castiel was pacing now, clear amounts of anger in his voice, though it was mixed heavily with sadness.

            “I left so you could have all the things that you wanted,” Dean argued back, even though it was a stupid argument from his side. “You wanted children and now you don’t. Why?”

            “Because I wanted children with you,” Cas whispered, fighting back how much he looked like he wanted to yell at Dean. “I wanted children with you and you left me. You left me all alone, told me to be happy and start a family because you couldn’t and what did you do Dean? You went and started a damn family.”

            “I am not going to apologize for my family,” Dean looked across the room at his daughter. “I admit, the way I broke up with you was shitty but I will never apologize for creating her.”

            “I wouldn’t,” Cas’ voice dropped, the anger leaving it entirely, leaving only the sadness. “I would never ask you do to that. That is not what I meant.”

            There was silence again, both only feet from each other, but it felt like miles. Cas was too far away from him and that wasn’t okay. But Cas belonged to someone. He lost his chance the day he walked out that door and didn’t come home.

            “I think I should go,” Cas looked to Dean, tears filling his eyes, causing them to look like a pool of arctic blue. How many times had Cas’ eyes looked like that because of him?

            Cas slowly made his way to the door. This time it was Cas who was leaving. The feeling that was coursing through Dean’s chest was almost painful enough to knock him off his feet. How could he have ever left this man?

            “Wait,” Dean walked up behind Castiel and grabbed his arm, turning him around to face him.

            “Dean?” Cas asked but Dean did not answer him with words. Actions were what Dean was good at.

            Dean pressed Castiel against the door, holding his body there with his own. He hesitated for a moment, trying to get a read on Cas. He did not want to force himself on him. He would not be that person. But Cas made no effort to move and his body called out to Dean. That was all he needed.

            The kiss was hot, and wet and harder than it needed to be but it was time. It was as if their bodies were two magnets and they finally found each other again through the grain. They fit. Dean brought both of his hands down to Castiel’s hips and pushed them to the door just behind, making sure he couldn’t leave. It was too late. He couldn’t leave Dean now, Dean needed him.

            “Shit,” Dean pulled away and took a deep breath. “We can’t do this.”

            “I um …” Cas struggled for words. “I am sorry. I can leave then.”

            “No,” Dean shook his head, not getting his initial point across. “Not, we can’t do this at all, just, we can’t do this here. I know she is only three months but I can’t be making out with you and have her wake up. Those are lost memories just waiting for her therapist to pull up in later years.”

            “She is going to see a therapist?” Cas cocked his head to the side again, a small laugh escaping. Dean laughed too, he couldn’t help it.

            “Well I mean come on,” Dean moved away from Cas but held out his hand, which Cas happily took. “Doesn’t everyone these days?”

            “This is true,” Cas agreed, looking around trying to figure out where Dean was leading him. “Where are we going?”

            “Bathroom,” Dean answered calmly.

            “Why?” Cas asked, but the smile on his face showed that he knew the answer.

            Dean began to strip Cas of his clothes and Cas repaid the favor. Once they were both naked, Dean turned on the shower. They kissed; Dean, sitting Cas up on the counter while they waited for the water to get warm. If it didn’t happen quickly, they were never going to make it.

            “Are you sure you want to do this?” Dean asked, pulling Cas toward the shower. He couldn’t mess this up.

            “Get in,” Cas growled.

            “Yes Sir,” Dean smiled, stepping into the shower and pulling Cas in with him.

            He pinned Cas to the wall, a small groan escaping his mouth; it was probably cold, but that just made it better. Dean pushed into Cas, slotting their legs together, their cocks hard, pushing up against their stomachs.

            “Dean,” Cas moaned when Dean pushed his hips up, rubbing their cocks together.

            “That’s it, baby,” Dean kissed down Cas’ face as he worked his hand between them, taking both of their cocks between his fingers.

            Cas’ hips bucked at the feeling and Dean held him harder against the wall. Cas stopped moving after that, using all his energy to scratch and claw at Dean’s back. He knew for sure he was going to have marks the next day. That only excited him more.

            “I’m not going to …” Cas tried to speak but then he was crying out, coming hard between the two of them.

            Dean stroked Cas through his orgasm and soon followed behind. Just the look of pure bliss and joy and … love? Was it love in his eyes? It felt like love. It felt like them. This was them. Perfect. Together. In love.

            Dean let go of their cocks, both twitching with sensitivity and rested his head against Castiel’s. Cas was breathing heavy, holding on to Dean so that he did not fall over. Dean would never let him fall though.

            They stayed like that until the water began to turn cold and they both agreed that it was time to get out and get dried off. Dean was glad to see that Journey was still asleep when they reentered the room. He did not want to feel bad for missing her when she woke up, but she was safe.

            Dean grabbed Cas as he made his way back into the room and pulled them together, kissing him softly this time. Cas melted into his arms. This is how it was supposed to be.

            “I never stopped loving you,” Dean pulled away, admitting it all to Cas. “Not even for a moment.”

            “I … I …” Dean could see the tears that were in his eyes earlier begin to re-emerge. “I need to go.”

            Dean stood there, stunned, as he watched Cas walk out the door of his hotel room and out of his life. But that is what Dean deserved.


	8. Time Flies When You Want Her to Stay Little

            “I can’t believe she is getting so big,” Sam’s eyes watched Journey as she held on to things, walking herself slowly and clumsily around the living room. “Next thing you know, she is going to be turning a year old and then what? Boys? College?”

            “You will bite your tongue Sammy,” Dean snapped his head toward his brother. “Or I will cut it off.”

            “Yeah, yeah,” Sam rolled his eyes, knowing just how sensitive Dean was on the matter.

            Yesterday, Journey had turned nine months old. Dean begged and pleaded with whatever God’s would listen, but none of them seemed to have their ears on. He just wanted her to stay little forever. Then again, watching her grow sure was something. She had gone from laughing to finding her toes and then eating them. Now she had teeth, along with a mean bite and she was … walking; kind of. She had not figured out how to do it without holding onto anything but in a determined moment, she could make her way from one side of the house to the other. This was giving Dean an ulcer.

            “Any idea what you want to do for her first birthday?” Sam asked, keeping the damn subject on his growing baby. “I know it's three months away but Sarah and Ellen are already talking about it.”

            “She is going to be one,” Dean rolled his eyes. “She won’t even remember the birthday party. First birthdays are for parents, not for kids?”

            “So, a strip club?” Sam laughed, raising a questioning eye at Dean.

            “Do you think they let babies into strip clubs?” Dean asked far too seriously. He would not take his baby into a strip club.

            “I'm thinking not,” Sam confirmed Dean’s suspicions.

            “Well, that’s out.”

            “I guess so,” Sam laughed, getting up from the couch and walking over to Journey. She stopped where she was and held out her arms for him to pick her up, which he happily did. “I should probably get going. I have an interview with Hart & Trower in the morning, I need to prepare.”

            “Hart & Trower?” Dean gave Sam a confused look, bringing himself to his feet to join them by the entryway. “The ‘Have you recently lost a loved one due to complications of such and such’ Hart and Trower?”

            “Those would be the ones,” Sam frowned.

            “Why would you want to work there?” Dean shook his head, slightly disappointed. Sam had worked his ass off in Law school. He deserved an amazing job, helping people, making a difference. He did not deserve to go work for those quacks who try and find any way to rob people of their money.”

            “It is just an interview,” Sam reassured him, but his voice was stressed. “I have five other this week as well.”

            “Well don’t take this one,” Dean was stern. He would not let Sam ruin his career in the beginning. “No one will ever take you seriously again.”

            “What if they offer me a lot of money?” Sam questioned and that was where it was at. Sam and Sarah had gotten married a few months back and were working on a baby. Sam worried that he was not going to be able to support his family.

            “Don’t you worry about money,” Dean pulled his brother into a half hug. “You know that you will always be taken care of, and your family.”

            “Thanks, Dean,” Sam gave him a small forced smile. “I know. But I would still like to have a job and at least attempt to take care of my family on my own first.”

            “You will,” Dean assured him, he had faith in Sam. “Just not that one okay?”

            “Okay,” Sam agreed and Dean believed him. “But, it’s still good interview practice.”

            “Fine,” Dean took Journey from Sam and opened the front door. “Then get your ass out of here and go get ready.”

            “Thank you,” Sam leaned in and gave Journey a small kiss on the cheek.

            “Yeah, yeah, Samantha,” Dean waved him off. “Call me and let me know how it goes.”

            “Will do.”

_______

            Dean was finishing up the dishes, talking to Journey about how important it was to clean up after one's self. Most people looked at Dean and thought he was a slob, even Bela had imagined Dean would be a slob. But Dean was raised by a military father. Everything had to be clean and done to certain standards, no matter where they were. There were times when they left a motel room cleaner than it was when they arrived. Dean had hated John for it then but now … okay, so he was clean but he still hated the way he was raised. He would tell Journey how important it was to keep things clean but as long as she tried, that is all that was important to him.

            When the knock came, they were just sitting down to watch some television, at least Dean was; Journey preferred playing with her toys. Dean could probably learn from her.

            “Stay here okay,” Dean pointed his finger at Journey and tried to give her a stern look. She liked to use the moments that he turned his back to disappear. He did not want to have to search for her when he got back.

            Once it appeared that she was going to stay put, Dean got up from the couch and made his way to the front door, looking back to make sure. She seemed compliant but she was a crazy little disappearing artist. Dean laughed, thinking about how that could come in handy in her future. The laugh faded when he pulled open the front door.

            “Cas?” Dean took a startled step back. How was this even possible? “What are you doing here? How did you even find here?”

            “Hello, Dean,” Castiel looked between Dean and his feet. Dean really hated that. Castiel was not the kind of man who had to look at his feet when he talks. “I, um. I asked Benny. Well actually, I begged Benny.”

            “I see,” Dean moved out of the way, motioning for Cas to come inside. Though, letting Cas into his life right now seemed like a horrible idea.

            Dean had been working, part time, because he didn’t really need the money. He also wanted to be able to spend as much time with Journey as he could. He was also working with Bobby to try and open an extension to the shop, one where Dean can work more on classic cars. Not to mention, Dean was seeing someone right now. It was new and nothing serious, but it was still in the works.

            “I didn’t mean to barge in like this,” Cas began to talk more as he entered the house. “I'm in town for a teaching conference. I figured, since this is where Sam had been, it’s where you came. So, I asked Benny and pulled his arm a bit and he told me where to find you.”

            “I see,” Dean watched as Cas looked around his house. It wasn’t much. It still looked a lot like when Bela was here, only cause he couldn’t bring himself to take it all down. He wanted Journey to feel like her mother was still here, even though she had no idea who she was. Dean tried to point out pictures and tell her who she was, but that didn’t mean she knew what a momma was.

            “Oh Dean,” Castiel stepped into the living room and stopped abruptly. Dean quickly made his way into the living room, slight worry as to what had caused the reaction. But all he could see was Journey playing with her teddy; she loved her damn teddy. “She is absolutely beautiful.”

            “Thanks,” Dean pulled his attention back to Castiel. “She is definitely a sight to see.”

            “She is,” Castiel smiled over at him, a truly genuine smile. “You must be so proud.”

            “I am,” Dean turned his attention back to his little girl. It was true, he was proud of everything that she did. She was only nine months old and almost walking. She almost had ‘dada’ completely down. She had some crazy teeth that she used to bite because she thought it was funny, and honestly, it was at times, more so when she was biting people who weren’t him. She was also good at manipulating people and getting what she wanted. She didn’t even have to cry, she just had to give them those big hazel eyes and look like the tears were forming. Even on Dean, it worked every time. She got that from her uncle. “I really am.”

            “Should I leave?” Cas asked, his head hanging low and looking down at his feet. Dean was really getting pissed by this motion.

            “No,” Dean reached out and lifted Cas’ head so that their eyes could meet. “I would really like it if you would stay for a while.”

            “Okay,” Castiel smiled. “I would like that.”


	9. Mistakes We Keep on Making

            Cas hovered from time to time as Dean got Journey ready for bed. Dean could see how interested he was and offered to let Cas hold and feed her. Cas was reluctant but Journey took to him rather quickly. Most times, if Dean would put her in a stranger’s arms, she would fuss and wiggle and even cry, but not with Cas. She made eye contact with Cas the entire time he was feeding her, up until the point where her little eyes grew tired and finally closed into a peaceful sleep. Dean helped Cas lie her down into her crib. Both lingering over her a little longer than they should have.

            “She really is beautiful Dean,” Cas did not pull his eyes away from her to look at Dean and this caused Dean’s heart to jump, which in turn, caused him to grow slightly angry, at both Cas and himself.

            “Let’s go downstairs,” Dean suggested, lightly grabbing the back of Cas’ arm to pull him away from the crib. “I think we need to talk.”

            “Yeah,” Cas agreed, though fear had crept into his voice. He had to have known this was going to happen, so Dean did not steer away from what they needed to do. Both of them needed to face some realities. “We do.”

            They both made their way downstairs and into the kitchen. Dean knew he was going to need a drink, but instead of grabbing a beer, he worked to make a pot of water for tea. He knew that tea always calmed Cas down and even though he would never admit it, it seemed to have the same effect on his as well. Beer was always best, but ever since Journey, Dean had backed away from the alcohol consumption, at least when she was home with him. If she was staying with her uncle or grandma for the night, that was a different story.

            “Your home is very beautiful,” Cas sat down at the kitchen table that was pushed against the wall. It was covered in papers and what not. Dean knew he needed to clean it up and he would … when Journey was old enough to eat at the table … maybe.

            “Thanks,” Dean looked around the kitchen. It was the one place that he had taken control of to fit his needs. He loved to cook and so, it became his second room in the house. “Needs some work but I am getting to it.”

            “It is still very lovely,” Cas noted the kitchen one more time before looking at Dean. “Do you own it?”

            “Sure do,” Dean smiled, and then frowned. With the insurance and inheritance money he received after Bela died, he could pay it off completely. It was bittersweet. “All mine. It’s paid off and everything.”

            “That’s wonderful,” Cas accepted the tea from Dean when it was handed to him. Dean hoped he had made it right, but he was almost certain that he had. “Journey is lucky to have a home to grow up in and not have to move around all the time.”

            “Yeah,” Dean nodded his agreement, taking his own tea and sitting down across from Cas. Dean had both loved and hated moving around so much as a kid. He loved that he got to meet all kinds of people but he also hated not having one safe place to go home to. He never wanted his childhood for Journey. “I want her to start in one spot and end up there … at least until she is able to make the decision of where she wants to end up.”

            They continued to talk about the house and little things here and there, neither one of them really getting to what they needed to talk about. Maybe it was because that could cause this to end. What if the conversation led to Cas walking out the door and never coming back? Dean had expected that the first time and was glad he was wrong. What if Cas was here because he had felt what Dean had felt in that hotel room? What would Dean do about the guy he was kind of seeing? Yeah, having a real conversation was not going to end well, but it needed to happen.

            “Dean,” Cas’ voice grew serious and Dean knew that it was all about to go downhill. He was not ready for this to end. “About what happened at your hotel that night.”

            “Look Cas,” Dean tried to jump in. seeing how sad Cas looked about the whole thing. “You don’t have to worry about it. I get it.”

            “You get what?” Cas cocked his head to the side, trying to understand what Dean thought he understood himself, which was nothing. He did not understand what happened that night, outside of the fact that he felt he deserved it.          

            “That it shouldn’t have happened?” Dean questioned, though he would never regret that night.

            “Well, yes,” Cas agreed. “It definitely should not have happened. As much as …”

            “As much as what?” Dean asked when Cas seemed to be unable to finish his sentence.

            “As much as I wanted it,” Cas admitted. “It was still wrong. I am with Balthazar and I should not have allowed myself to do such a thing.”

            Dean’s heart stopped at the way Balthazar’s name sounded coming out of Cas’ mouth. It was dripping with fear and uncertainty like it was hard for Cas to even say it. Dean was not sure what was going on but he knew that this Balthazar guy was bad. Not just bad for Cas but bad in general.

            “Why are you with him?” Dean could not help but ask. If he was so bad, why was Cas with him?

            “I love him,” Cas threw the words out there so fast that even Dean knew he didn’t believe them. “And he loves me.”

            More lies. Why is Cas lying? What happened to the man that Dean used to know.

            “Damnit Cas,” Dean banged his fist down on the table and Cas flinched, he flinched. Dean wanted to cry but he fought back the tears. He had just gotten past all of this crying shit. “Why are you lying to me?”

            “I made up my mind with Balthazar,” Cas shook his head, unable to make eye contact with Dean. “I don’t have to justify how I live my life with you. You are the one that left me, remember?”

            “Cas?” Dean swallowed hard. “I…”

            “No,” Cas stood up and began to pace back and forth through the not so big kitchen. “You left me; with a fucking letter of all things. You were so dead set on not marrying me or having children with me. Cause it had to be me that was the problem, right? Cause you seemed to have no problem marrying someone else and having a baby with them.”

            “Wait,” Dean went to stand up but Cas stopped him.

            “Stop,” Cas was visibly shaking and Dean did not know how to handle this situation. He wanted to be mad for the way in which Cas was seeing it but he also wanted to take him into his arms and hold him tight. Dean had caused this. Not Balthazar. Dean had broken Cas. “I have to go.”

            Cas made his way through the house, grabbing his jacket at the front door. Dean wanted to let him go, he had no right to stop him, but he couldn’t bring himself to let him walk out that door. Just as Cas was about to grab the handle of the front door, Dean grabbed him by the arm, spun him around and pulled him into his arms, hugging him tightly, tears falling from his eyes.

            “I’m sorry,” Dean kissed the top of his head as he felt Cas begin to sob into his chest. “I'm so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen.”

            “Why couldn’t you have this with me?” Cas sobbed into Dean’s shoulder. “Why wasn’t I good enough?”

            “You were,” Dean pulled back, grabbing Cas’ chin with his hand until they were face to face, only inches from each other. “You were everything and I was nothing. I had nothing to offer you. I thought it was for the best. I'm so sorry. Never think you weren’t good enough because you were, you are. You are the greatest person I have ever known.”

            Dean again knew it was wrong but before he had time to work through any of it, he had Cas pushed lightly against the front door. He would have pushed harder but Cas was still shaking and he wanted Cas to be able to pull away. He needed Cas to know he could pull away, but he didn’t. Instead, Cas kissed Dean back so hard that he worried his mouth was going to be bruised from the pressure. It was painful and exhilarating all at the same time. That was all the permission Dean needed.

            Dean moved forward further, his knee sliding between Castiel’s legs, firmly pinning him. If he wanted away now, he was going to have to tell Dean because there was not a lot of room for moving. Dean grabbed Cas’ wrists and moved them up, holding them above Castiel’s head. Castiel groaned at this and Dean’s mind all but short-circuited.

            “Dean,” Castiel finally spoke, turning his head to the side. Dean growled to let Cas know he was listening, but he did not pull away. He moved down and nibbled along Cas’ neck, biting when he finally reached the collar bone. Cas cried out lightly before continuing to stutter out his words. “As much as I am loving this, I am built more for comfort these days.”

            Dean laughed, pulling away and looking Cas in the eyes. There was so much there that Dean wanted to learn more about. There was fear and mystery and desire and Dean wished he knew more about the Cas in front of him. That all went away when Cas began to pull Dean’s shirt over his head and move him toward the stairs.

            “I would like to get to know your bed now Dean,” Cas’ voice was so deep it made Dean’s cock twitch.

            “Whatever you want,” Dean smiled, pulling Cas back in for a kiss. It was still passionate and rough, nothing romantic or endearing about it.

            Dean turned and made his way up the stairs quickly, Cas hot on his heels. Once they were at the top of the stairs, Dean pulled Cas to him and pushed him against the wall. He stepped back enough to work off Cas’ shirt, tossing it to the ground. Then he was back on him, lips, chin, neck, chest. He took one of Castiel’s nipples into his mouth, biting just enough to cause a minor amount of pain, all while pinching the other nipple between his fingers.

            “Dean,” Cas cried out and Dean quickly moved back up his body, covering his mouth with his own.

            “Shh,” Dean whispered, grabbing Cas’ hand and leading him down the hallway. They needed to wait until they were behind closed doors for the loud parts to take place. If they woke her, this would be over long before they got to the good parts. Though, so far, they had all been good parts.

            They worked their clothes off when they finally made it to Dean’s room, throwing them about wherever they happened to be standing now. Dean admired Cas’ body again, remembering how he used to spend all day in bed worshiping it. His toned body, mainly that way from running, though he had gained a little weight since then; which was incredibly hot actually.

            “Lay down,” Dean instructed and Cas wasted no time following those instructions. He crawled slowly onto the bed, showing off his ass for Dean, which caused Dean to moan involuntarily.  “On your back.”

            Cas flipped over onto his back and propped his head up against a pillow. His eyes were lust blown, the vibrant blue almost completely hidden by the black. He watched Dean, never breaking eye contact, as Dean crawled onto the bed and between Cas’ legs. Dean leaned forward, kissing around Cas’ naval, his hands running up the side of his thighs.

            Dean kissed slowly down Cas’ stomach and over his hip bones, biting down on each one. He wasn’t planning on leaving marks, but he was fairly certain there were going to be some.

            Dean finally went in for it, nosing at Castiel’s pelvic area, his tongue sliding from the base of Cas’ cock, all the way to the tip.

            “No,” Cas cried out, bringing his knees up into a bent position. “I need you inside of me. I need you, now.”

            “Fuck, Cas,” Dean moaned, moving over Cas and reaching into his nightstand. He pulled out a bottle of lube and a condom. They had never used condoms before, but Dean decided that he did not know Cas well enough anymore to go without.

            “Yes,” Cas nodded, running his fingers up his stomach and grabbing his nipples. “That is the point here Dean.”

            Dean laughed, memories of the old Cas running through his mind. These were fuel to his fire. He missed the old Cas but he was also angry that he had changed so much. This once determined, outspoken man, that Dean had to apologize for at times because he lacked tact, was now this quiet, meek, apologizing when it was not needed, man.

            All of this worked Dean up as he poured a good amount of lube onto his fingers and rubbed them together, trying to break through a good amount of the cold before rubbing his finger over Castiel’s entrance. Castiel tightened up at the initial shock but soon relaxed, pushing against Dean to invite him in. Dean did not deny him.

            Slowly, Dean pushed one finger into Castiel, fighting past the muscles until he was up to his first knuckle. He then pulled back to the tip and pushed it back in, working more lube inside of Cas. He continued this motion until his entire finger was inside of Cas and Cas was pushing back against him, begging for more.

            Dean poured a little more lube onto his fingers and then worked a second finger into Cas until he could scissor them around. That is when he gave Cas what he wanted, he had been pushing against Dean, almost aggressively but Dean had been avoiding it the best he could. He wanted Cas to need it. And he did.

            Dean turned his fingers and searched for the bundle of nerves within him. Once he hit them, Cas’ body arched off the bed. Dean leaned forward, working to pin Cas against the bed as he rubbed his fingers over the sweet spot.

            “Please,” Cas begged repeatedly, almost like a chant.

            Dean pulled his fingers out and added a third, taking his time for a few short moments before working them all the way in. Cas hissed but pushed back against Dean. Dean knew when to stop, he had always known when to stop with Cas. Cas wanted this, needed this, just as much as Dean.

            “Now,” Cas growled, reaching his hands down and clinching onto the bed sheets. “Please?”

            Dean slipped his fingers out of Cas and Cas whined at the emptiness. Dean did not want to leave him waiting for long but he loved the look of absolute desire in Cas’ eyes, not an ounce of blue remaining.

            Dean reached for the condom, removed it from the package and slipped it over his cock, which was so hard he felt he was going to come from this simple act alone. But he made it and thanked whatever God may exist for allowing him to last longer.

            “Dea…” Cas began to speak, just as Dean lined himself up and slowly pushed himself into Cas. He pulled back a few times, his cock bigger than his three fingers had made room for. But soon, he was bottomed out inside of Cas, holding himself there to revel in how tight Cas felt wrapped around him. He knew if he didn’t take a moment, he wouldn’t make it through this any longer.

            “Move,” Cas leaned his head back, hands still gripping the sheets. “Please, Dean. Please.”

            Fuck. Dean loved it when Cas begged for him. Dean couldn’t deny how badly he wanted him and so Dean gave it to him. He pulled back, slowly, making it count, before snapping his hips forward, all the way back into Cas.

            “Oh God,” Cas cried out, hands moving up to search for Dean, grabbing whatever he could reach.

            Dean did it again, pulling out slowly and then pushing all the way back in with a snap of his hips. This left Cas panting incoherent words. Dean was in control of this man's outcome and it was beautiful.

            Dean did this a few more times before working himself into an even rhythm. Dean pulled Cas’ legs up over his shoulders, making him able to sink in just that much further. And that was it. Dean found the angle that he needed and with every push in, he was rubbing his cock over Cas’ prostate, causing him to cry out. At this point, there were no words left, just sounds that had once resembled them.

            “Yes,” Dean could feel the heat in his stomach, telling him he was not going to last much longer. But he couldn’t come first.

            Dean turned slightly, setting himself up on his knees so that he could free up a hand. He continued to slam into Cas, wrapping his arms around his legs and grabbing Cas’ cock in his hand. He did not even have to stroke, Cas came undone as soon as Dean’s hand made contact, but Dean stroked him through it anyways. Cas almost screamed at this but bit down on his lip.

            Dean was not so quiet in his release, following Cas right over the edge. Dean cried out Cas’ name, his hips stuttering a few times before finally stilling, as deep inside of Castiel as he could get. He stayed there for a while, letting his body experience the high and slowly come down from it. Once he could move, he pulled himself out of Cas, causing another whine, and then laid down beside him.

            They were messy, covered in sweat and come that was starting to dry. They needed to shower but neither of them had the ability to move. So, they didn’t. They could shower later. Dean wrapped his arm around Cas’ body, feeling his uneven breaths until they completely evened out.

            Dean looked over at Cas, asleep in his arms. This was how it was supposed to be.


	10. Letting Go is Harder Than It Seems

            Cas had gone home, yes, but that did not mean that things had changed between them. They continued to talk with one another, but it always had to be in secret. Cas would eat his lunches in the car and talk to Dean. When he was at work, he would text Dean and they would email, through Cas’ work email of course. It was all very in the dark and as hard as it was, it was better than the alternative. Dean wanted to be mad at Cas, hate him even; Cas was a married man who spent hours talking with another man, sometimes in sexual manners. But it was Cas and even though it had never been said, Dean believed there was more to Cas’ relationship with Balthazar than Cas was leading on. He never spoke a horrible word of the man but the good words he spoke never sounded like anything other than lies.

            “I will be in town next week,” Cas spoke quickly into the phone as Dean answered, not even giving him a chance to say hi.

            “That's awesome,” Dean smiled, though part of him was unsure if this was a good idea. He was trying to keep his feelings for Cas at a distance but if Cas was in front of him, Dean knew he would not have any control over himself. He wouldn’t even want to have control. “Where are you staying?”

            “I have not looked yet,” Cas answered, this time his voice more subdued, the exciting part already being out in the open. “I just found out this afternoon that they requested me to be a guest speaker at a conference.”

            “That's wonderful,” Dean was proud of him. Though he was still not really the Cas he was before, he was starting to come out of his shell and work harder towards getting back there. That was all that Dean could hope for. “Why don’t you stay with me?”

            “What?” The shock rang loudly, even over the phone. “Do you think that is a good idea? What would your family say?”

            “They know we are friends and talking again,” Dean explained. “So, if I have my friends stay in my guest bedroom so he doesn’t have to stay in some sleazy motel, that should not seem weird to them.”

            “They know we are talking?” Cas’ voice was a mixture of concern and happiness, which was the most confusing thing a person could hear.

            “Yeah,” Dean nodded, even though Cas could not see him. “I mean, they don’t know about the sex stuff or that time I made you touch yourself in your office before your class,” Dean’s voice was almost a growl at that memory. “But they know that we are friends again and want to be a part of each other’s lives.”

            “I would very much like to stay with you and Journey, Dean.” The worry completely gone from his voice now.

            “Great,” Dean smiled. Sure, he was nervous but he was also excited. It had been almost a year since he had seen Cas. He never said the words out loud but he really missed him. Dean smiled again and turned his attention to his daughter, who was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for breakfast. It was kind of all she ate these days. “Cas is gonna come stay with us. Are you excited?”

            “Unci Cas!” Her voice was elated. Though she had only seen him in person the one time, Journey had talked to him on the phone many times and even seen him over Skype and pictures. Dean sent pictures of Journey all the time as well, sharing all her little milestones.

            “Oh Dean,” Cas’ voice was almost a whisper. “I can’t wait to see both of you.”

            “So, a week huh?” Dean verified the time. “When exactly can I expect you?”

            “My plane gets in at nine in the morning on Sunday,” Cas went over the details of when he would arrive. He would get his things and rent a car and then he would be here. Dean had a week to prepare. He wasn’t sure that was enough time but it was going to have to be.

_____

            Dean had made the mistake of telling Journey that Cas was coming. It was all she talked about all week. Sure, she was not quite two yet and her vocabulary was limited, but she was able to run around the house going ‘unci Cas,’ fifty million times a day. If only that were an exaggeration. But today was the day and even Dean was starting to feel the excitement. But how was he supposed to go about this? Were they supposed to shake hands? Did they hug? Did Dean wait until Journey was not looking and shove Cas against a wall and devour him? A hug could be good.

            “Now?” Journey asked, looking up from her cartoon. Dean shook his head at her and she turned back to her show. Not even two minutes later, her attentions were back on Dean. “Now?”

            “Soon sticky,” Dean laughed, ruffling his fingers through her long brown curls. Her hair was just like her mother’s. In fact, the older she got, the more and more she began to resemble Bela. Luckily, Dean had come to terms with everything having to do with Bela and he was proud that their little girl looked like her. She was a beautiful woman after all.

            “Joe-knee,” she corrected him. He called her sticky cause her middle name was Styx and she was always sticky. But she had learned her name and made sure to correct him every time. That was half of the reason he did it. He loved listening to her try and say her name.

            “Okay, Joe,” Dean laughed, watching her face turn into a scowl, just as there was a knock at the door.

            “Now,” Journey cried, pulling herself off of the couch and running for the door. Ever since she had gotten walking down, she had been on the go. Sometimes, even Dean could not keep up with her. That was scary at times, like at the park or the grocery store. They had avoided some near accidents that still weren’t sitting well with him.

            “Now,” Dean laughed, following behind. She made it to the door before him but she was not able to open the door on her own. He knew when that day came, he was going to have to put locks on the tops off all the doors, not the mention all of the cupboards.

            Dean made her wait for a few more minutes before pulling open the door. Castiel was already down on one knee so that he could be eye level with Journey, holding the coolest looking dragon toy Dean had ever seen. Journey’s eyes lit up and Dean was proud that she pushed past the toy to give Cas a big hug, one that he seemed to happy return. Then, once the hugging was done, she grabbed the dragon and ran into the house to play with it.

            “She is going to be busy all night now,” Dean laughed, pushing his hands into his pockets. Normally, that was his nervous reaction, this time, it was so that he did not reach out and pull Castiel into him, never letting him go.

            “That's okay,” Cas smiled, standing awkwardly on the front porch. “There's always tomorrow to get caught up with her.”

            “Yeah,” Dean chuckled lightly, looking between Cas and his luggage. He looked like he was moving in, as opposed to staying for a week. Dean hated to admit it, but he would not turn Cas down if he said he wanted to stay. “You gonna come in or are you sleeping on my porch?”

            “Oh right,” Cas shook his head and grabbed his things. “I prefer a bed these days. I am not as young as I used to be.”

            “Could’ve fooled me,” Damn, now he was flirting. Was he allowed to flirt? They had flirted on the phone but that was safe. Being in the same room with each other, flirting … that was the furthest one could get from safe. That was Cas being pounded into Dean’s mattress kind of unsafe.

            “You flatter,” Cas flashed him a smile as he made his way past. Dean could not help but smell him. Even though he had changed, his smell had not. Cas always had this hint of cinnamon tea and old books. Smelling it alone was enough to make Dean’s heart race. He needed to try and bottle that smell … for … reasons.

______

 

            Journey did not disappear all night like Dean had expected her to with a new toy. In fact, she was attached to Castiel’s hip. It was not until she fell asleep on his lap during a movie, that they were able to get her separated from him and into her bed. Dean loved that they got along so well but it also ate away at him. Cas was an amazing man, who would make an amazing father. Dean took that away from him and stole it for himself. He did not regret Journey, but the feeling he had because of how this all happened, did not sit well with him.

            “She really is amazing Dean,” Castiel sat down on the other side of the couch, opposite of Dean. Dean wanted to close the gap but this was undiscussed. How did they do this? Were they going to be just friends or were they an affair? Could Dean handle being Cas’ dirty secret lover?

            Yes. If it meant getting to be with Cas, he would do it. It was wrong on so many levels, Dean knew that. But he was fine with this. If Dean couldn’t be in another relationship because he was being with Cas when he could, he was fine with that. He had Journey to raise, he didn’t need a serious relationship … unless Cas wanted that, then Dean wanted that too. Dean wanted … no … he needed Castiel, however he got to have him.

            “Cas,” Dean finally spoke up, breaking the silence that was growing thick between them.

            “Yes, Dean?” Cas fidgeted against the couch, not yet making eye contact with Dean.

            “I would really like to fuck you now,” Dean threw it out there. He had not meant to say that, he was going to be subtler, but that was what he wanted, so it's what he said.

            “Fuck,” Cas lunged across the couch and pulled himself onto Dean’s lap, forcing their lips together. Dean was in shock for a moment but soon he melted into the kiss. “I was hoping you would ask.”

            Dean fucked Cas that night like his life depended on it, and every night for a week until Cas went home … back to his husband. He should be ashamed but all he could think about was how much he could not wait to see Cas again. Cas belonged with them, one day, he would see it too.


	11. The Heart Stopping Moment

            Dean knew that Cas was probably not going to be able to answer his phone but that did not stop him from trying. He paced back in forth in the waiting room, surrounded by his family, yet the most important person was not with him. Journey had woken up in pain and Dean rushed her to the hospital. She was currently having her appendix removed. She was going to be fine, but when your seven-year-old was undergoing surgery, no matter what the outcome was going to be, a parent could freak out; and freaking out Dean was.

            When Cas did not answer the phone, Dean made a decision that could cause a lot of problems; He called Castiel’s main phone line. Cas had two phones. One he used for his day to day life and the other one he used for Dean and Journey. Dean wished they didn’t have to hide. Sure, he understood hiding the sex parts but they could be friends. He could call a friend when things were not going well in life and today, things were going far from well.

            “Hello?’ Castiel answered in a whisper, obviously noticing Dean’s phone.

            “Cas,” Dean was in too much of a panic to really care about lowing his voice. He stepped away from his family. He was sure they knew what was going on between Cas and himself but they at least played along that they were only friends. But, they did not need to hear their conversation now. “I'm sorry I called you on this number.”

            “What’s the matter?” Cas caught on quickly that Dean would not have called this number if he didn’t need to.

            “It’s Journey,” Dean leaned against the wall and slowly lowered himself to a sitting position on the ground. “Her appendix burst and they have her in surgery right now. They say she’s going to be just fine but I’m so worried about her Cas.”

            “I can be there in six or seven hours,” Cas informed Dean, a rustling on the other side.

            “You don’t have to come out here,” Dean informed him, though he wanted him by his side. He should already be there. “I just felt like you should know.”

            “I’m coming,” Cas’ voice was firm. Cas had gotten over his being meek around Dean and Dean appreciated it. When he was with Dean, he was his normal old self again. “I'll call you when I land in California.”

            “Okay,” Dean did not argue it any further.

            Cas hung up and Dean sat there for a while, his mind racing with everything that was going on. His daughter was having major surgery. His wife was long dead and now, the man that he loved was getting on a plane because he was married and lived across the country. Nothing was right with the world right now. Cas should already be with them. He should have been there when Journey woke up crying and he should have tried to tell Dean it was going to be okay on the way to the hospital, but he wasn’t there. He wasn’t with them. He didn’t belong to them.

            “He coming?” Ellen’s voice appeared above Dean and he brought his tear-filled eyes up to her.

            “Yeah,” Dean nodded to her. “He's coming.”

            “She’s going to ask for him,” Ellen’s voice was flat and unreadable.

            “I know,” and he did. He knew that as soon as she could, she was going to ask for Cas. She loved Cas.

            “That should bother you,” Ellen shook her head at Dean, confusing him.

            “Why should her asking for Cas bother me?” He asked, almost insulted. “She loves Cas. She should be allowed to ask for him.”

            “She does love him,” Ellen agreed. “And you love him as well.”

            “And he loves us,” Dean added in. “That's why he’s coming.”

            “No,” Ellen leaned down to be at Dean’s level and so that she could whisper to him. “If he loved the both of you like you both loved him … he would already be here.”

            “It’s not that simple,” Dean tried to argue but he knew it was pointless. Ellen was the smartest woman that he knew, and he knew that she was right. Cas should already be here with them.

            “It is,” Ellen brought herself back to her feet and offered Dean and hand. She helped him to his feet and pulled him into a hug. “I know you love him baby, but you have to think about what's best for Journey. And this isn’t it.”

____

 

            “I’m going to be the coolest kid in school,” Journey smiled up at Dean and Ellen. They had sent everyone else home once they were sure she was going to be okay. “None of them have ever had surgery.”

            “I thought you were already the coolest kid in school?” Dean gave her a shocked look.

            “Well,” she thought about this for a moment. “I guess that just makes me extra cool.”

            “That it does baby,” Ellen rubbed her hand up and down Journey’s leg.

            “Hey, daddy?” Journey turned her hazel eyes up to him. They were not as bright as they normally were, but that was because of the medication and surgery. They would be back up to par soon enough.

            “Yeah sticky?”

            “Is Uncle Cas coming?”

            “Yeah,” Dean nodded, though Ellen’s words and the glare she just gave him lingered in his mind. “He called a little bit ago to let me know he would be here any minute.”

            “Good,” Journey smiled, oblivious to the looks between Dean and Ellen. “I can’t wait to tell him how cool I am.”

            “I already know,” Cas’ unmistakable gravelly voice came from the doorway of the room. “You didn’t need to have surgery and scare us all to death, just to show us how cool you are.”

            “It helped,” She shrugged. She never was one for crying emotions. She took things as they came and always had a positive outlook on life. Dean had no idea where she got that from but he envied that quality in her.

            “Hey baby,” Ellen pushed past Dean and leaned forward to kiss Journey on her forehead. “I’m going to get headed home but I’ll come see you in the morning.”

            “Okay Grandma,” she smiled up at Ellen. “Tell Papa I’m going to be okay. I know he gets worried about me.”

            “I will,” Ellen laughed, making her way to the door. “And Dean.”

            Ellen did not say anything to him but he knew what she meant. He needed to do something about this situation. Cas and Journey both looked at them, wondering what was going on but no one said anything. They both nodded at each other and then Ellen left.

            “What was that about?” Cas asked.

            “Just reminding me of something I need to get done,” Dean forced a smile. “It’s nothing we need to worry about right now.”

            Cas accepted his answer and turned his attention back to Journey. They talked about the surgery and school and a million other things. They had talked to Cas just the other day but he had not been in town for three months, so they had a lot to catch up on, they all did. Soon though, the meds began to kick in and Journey was bowing out of the conversation. Did Dean wait or did he do this now? It was fresh in his mind and he knew it needed to be done. The longer he waited, the more likely he was to keep putting it off.

            “Hey,” Dean gave a light smile at Cas. “Can we talk out in the hallway. I don’t want to wake her up.”

            “Of course,” Cas looked down at Journey for another minute before following Dean out into the hallway. “I’m so happy she’s okay,” Cas said as soon as they were out in the hallway.

            “Me too man,” Dean ran his hand down his face, the stress from the day building back up inside of him. Maybe he should not subject himself to two hard things in one day.

            “How are you holding up?” Cas seemed to not notice the tension or else he was avoiding it on purpose. They were good at avoiding the hard conversations.

            “I’m better now that I know she is okay,” Dean assured him.

            “So, then what has you on edge?”

            “I’m not on edge,” Dean lied, shoving his hands into his front jean pockets.

            “Dean,” Castiel all but rolled his eyes. “I know you well enough to know that something’s wrong. What is it? Does it have to do with Ellen?”

            “No,” Dean shook his head. “It has to do with … with … us.”

            “Us,” Cas’ voice dropped and Dean could see the worry spread across his face. “What about us?”

            “I lied to you Cas,” Dean said quickly.

            “You lied to me?” Cas was even more visibly confused. “What did you lie to me about?”

            “I told you once that I was okay with all of this,” Dean pointed between the two of them. “That I just wanted to raise Journey and I would have you in whatever way I could get you.”

            “So, you don’t want me anymore?”

            “No,” Dean shook his head. “It’s the opposite. I want all of you.”

            “Dean,” Cas went to interject but Dean stopped him.

            “No,” Dean shook his head. “It’s my turn. I’m going to talk and you are going to listen.”

            Cas’ body snapped up at this and he looked Dean in the eyes. He did not speak another word, letting the silence between them grow until it was unbearable and Dean knew it was time.

            “Outside of Journey,” Dean began, “I love you more than anything in this world. Journey loves you more than anything in this world.”

            “I love,” Cas began to interrupt but Dean put up his hand.

            “I’m not done.” Cas nodded his understanding.

            “We love you and we know that you love us,” Dean continued. “But that’s not enough. We need you, man. You should have been here when she woke up sick. You should have been here holding my hand when she went into surgery. You should be here to go to soccer games and listen to her talk about all that nerdy shit she loves.”

            “You know if I could,” Cas couldn’t let Dean keep going and Dean did not fight him talking anymore. “I would be here more.”

            “More isn’t enough,” Dean’s voice grew angry. “You should just always be here. Instead, you’re with him.”

            “I,”

            “If you say you love him I will scream,” Dean took a few deep breaths to calm himself. “Cause we both know that’s a lie.”

            “I don’t know what you want me to do,” Cas’ eyes fell to the ground.

            “I want you to be here with us,” Dean moved in, grabbing Cas’ face and pulling it up to lightly kiss his lips. Cas returned the kiss, tears beginning to fall from his eyes. “Choose us … because we chose you a long time ago.”


	12. It's Never As Easy As ... 1 ... 2 ... 3

            Cas knew that he needed to make a decision and had waited far longer than he had needed to, but he was afraid. It had nothing to do with his love for Dean or his love for Journey. He loved both of them more than he could ever put into words but … he was married to Balthazar.

            “Are you going to come stay with us?” Journey asked once she was fully dressed and ready to head home. She was only in the hospital for a few days and now that she was good, she got to return home. She still had to take it easy for a few days though, which was making her angry; Journey wanted to show all of her friends that she had surgery and bask in the glory of it all. Sadly, she had to wait until next week.

            “No sweetie,” Cas shook his head, looking up from her to Dean. “I need to head home but I will come see you soon.”

            “You promise?” Journey pulled Cas into a hug and he melted into her. He knew she was not his but somewhere inside of him, he told himself that she was.

            “I promise,” Cas fought back tears. She didn’t need to see him cry. She would know that something was wrong if he cried. “I just have some things I need to take care of.”

            “Okay,” she seemed content with this answer.

            “You should try to go to the bathroom before we go,” Dean instructed her. “We are going to go to grandma’s first and we don’t need to be stopping.”

            “But I don’t have to go,” Journey didn’t even look up from her backpack, which she was pushing all her art supplies into.

            “You are going to try,” Dean put his authoritative voice on toward her and Cas couldn’t help but smile. He loved how great of a father Dean was. He wasn’t ever mean but that did not mean that he let Journey do whatever she wanted.

            “Fine,” She set her things down and headed for the bathroom in the room.

            “So,” Dean turned his attention to Cas once the door was shut. “You're leaving already?”

            “I need to get home,” Cas refused to make eye contact. “I need to figure things out. Please.”

            “Fine,” Dean shook his head and made his way past Cas. “When she is out, let her know I am going to go get her all checked out so we can leave.”

            “I will,” Cas agreed.

            “And Cas,” Dean stopped in the doorway, not even bothering to turn and face him. “If you don’t pick us … don’t come back.”

            “Dean?” Cas wasn’t sure he was really hearing this or not.

            “I mean it, man,” Dean finally turned to look back at Cas, eyes starting to fill with tears. “We deserve to be happy and we can’t do that unless you are either here one hundred percent or gone one hundred percent.”

            “I understand.” He did understand but that did not make any of this easier.

_____

            Cas hugged them both goodbye and headed back toward the airport. He had a two-hour wait before the next flight to Kansas would leave but he needed it. He needed all of the time he could get in order to think things through and come up with a plan. He knew what he wanted, he wanted Dean and Journey, but it was not that simple.

            By the time the plane arrived and Cas was boarding, he had his plan in mind. He was going to go home and play nice for a few days. During that time, he was going to find a lawyer and slowly get some of the more important things out of the apartment and into the storage unit that he kept for emergencies. It was not going to be easy but it needed to be done. Castiel knew he should've left Balthazar once he realized that he still had feelings for Dean. But Balthazar was not an easy man and Castiel knew it was not going to be as simple as just telling him that he was leaving.

            Castiel made a list on the plane of things that he wanted to get out of the apartment. Memories from his life that he would not be able to replace and knick knacks that he had collected over the years, mainly the ones that he had collected during his childhood and his time with Dean before this all started thirteen years ago. It wasn’t much but it was noticeable. Balthazar was sure to notice before Cas would be ready for him too.

_____

            Balthazar was not home when Cas walked through the door. Cas sighed relief, knowing that a storm was about to come. Normally, when he went to see Dean, it was planned out in advance and he had an excuse. What excuse would Cas give for just packing up and leaving out of the blue? He could try for the work excuse but there was not really anything that was such an emergency that they had to fly a teacher immediately to another state for two days. In a normal situation, this is where the truth would be best, but nothing about this situation was normal.

            Cas packed away his clothes, not really sure why, but it came as a habit, and then put a box together. He would hide it in the closet of his office for now. Balthazar never seemed to go in there and that was where Cas kept most of his important things anyway.

            “Cassie?” Cas jumped when Balthazar’s voice rang through the apartment. He quickly put the box into the closet of his office and made his way to the living room. He tried to keep a calm face but his nerves were completely on end. This was not going to go over well. “Where the hell have you been? I have been calling you for two days. You don’t answer your phone anymore?”

            “I’m sorry,” Cas began to apologize but Balthazar stepped into his space, shutting him up immediately.

            “You didn’t even answer your super secret cheating on my husband phone,” Balthazar added in, his pupils so dilated you could barely see the crystal blue they normally were.

            Cas knew this look, it was not a good one. Balthazar was rarely nice but he never hurt Castiel physically, except the once. That was the one time he had remembered Balthazar’s eyes being this black. So black, Castiel had thought he was possessed by a demon the last time it happened.

            “My what?” Castiel stuttered out, knowing he had been caught. But when had he been caught? How long had Balthazar known about his other phone?

            “You think I don’t know?” Balthazar moved forward until Castiel was firmly between him and a wall. He wanted to run but he deserved this. He had been the one who had messed up. For the past 7 years, he had been cheating on his husband. Castiel was the monster in this mess. “All your sneaking away for thirty minutes here or there on your days off. Week long trips where I can’t seem to get a chance to talk to you for more than five minutes at a time. Dean Winchester and that little brat of his. I’m not stupid Castiel.”

            “How … how …” Castiel stuttered over his words, fearful from the hot breath that was beating against his face. “How long have you known?”

            “Oh,” Balthazar laughed something awful. “You care now?”

            “I've always cared,” Castiel lied. He had not stayed this long because he loved Balthazar, he stayed because he was afraid of what would happen if he left.

            “So,” Balthazar stepped back, causing Castiel to tilt his head to the side in confusion. “How long until you run off again?”

            “I … I …” Castiel was shaking, his mind racing. What was going on? Was this okay? Balthazar did not seem angry anymore. He didn’t seem hurt either. Maybe he knew this was coming and Castiel could just leave.

            “I … I …” Balthazar mimicked Cas, something he was good at. He had always made fun of the way Castiel stuttered when he was nervous. “Spit it out already.”

            “I’m leaving now,” Castiel turned toward his office, moving quickly as to get as far away from Balthazar as possible.

            “Fine,” Balthazar called after him. “But you will be hearing from my lawyer about this.”

            That was easy. It should not have been that easy. Sure, Castiel was going to be looked at as the one at fault when the courts took a look at the situation. He had carried on a seven-year affair with his ex. He was going to lose so much but he would be gone. He would not have to spend his days in fear of Balthazar. He would get to be with Dean and Journey and they would figure it out. That is if Dean wanted him after he just left.

            Cas packed up his office, not all of it, but enough to take with him. He would go to a friend house and work on getting his things out over the next few days while Balthazar was at work. He would then talk to his work about that transfer. He had talked about transferring to California many times and they seemed fine by it. He had enough in hidden savings accounts to survive for almost a year. That was plenty of time to get moved and find a replacement job. With the semester being over, it would not cause that big of a shift at his current job. They would be able to survive without him.

            Cas cautiously made his way into the bedroom they shared, happy that Balthazar was nowhere to be seen. Maybe he left, unable to watch Castiel pack up and leave him. Part of Castiel felt bad, but the other part had stopped caring about Balthazar years ago. Balthazar obviously did not care about him or he would never have treated Castiel the way that he did.

            Once he was all packed into two suitcases, he pulled out his phone and texted the only person he could think of.

 

[xxx-555-3423 | You] Hey. Can I possibly ask you for a favor?

[xxx-555-6675 | Benny] What can I do you for brotha?

[xxx-555-3423 | You] I left Balthazar.

[xxx-555-6675 | Benny] Bout time.

[xxx-555-3423 | You] I know.

[xxx-555-6675 | Benny] So what you need from me?

[xxx-555-3423 | You] A place to crash for a few days while I get things in order.

[xxx-555-6675 | Benny] Of course man.

[xxx-555-6675 | Benny] I’ll have Andrea make a bed up for you.

[xxx-555-3423 | You] Thank you. I owe you both.

[xxx-555-6675 | Benny] Does Dean know.

[xxx-555-3423 | You] No. But I am going to call him here soon.

[xxx-555-6675 | Benny] Good.

[xxx-555-3423 | You] See you in a few.

 

_____

            Castiel looked around the apartment again. He knew that he would be back to get more things but he needed to take it all in. This had been his home for fifteen years and now he was leaving. I hurt less than he had expected to, mainly because it stopped actually feeling like his home the day Dean walked out on him. That was because Dean is his home and now Journey. They were where he belonged. He should have been there already. But he is going to be there now and he was never going to leave again.

            Cas locked up the door and made his way towards the elevator, both suitcases dragging behind him. Normally, Cas was a stair-taker but stairs were hard with two giant suitcases. He could be lazy for today. He was too tired for stairs anyways.

            “Hey Cas,” Cas stopped immediately, hearing Balthazar’s voice appear behind him.

            And then he was falling. The world was spinning and Cas could not grasp what was going on. How was he falling? Where was he? Why did he hurt so badly. And then there was nothing. Black.


	13. Down and Down We Go

            “Why won’t he answer?” Journey asked Dean, handing the phone back to her father.

            It was Friday. Cas always talked with Dean at lunch time on Friday and Journey knew this. She missed out on the weekly phone calls a lot because she was at school but she was hoping she could have one today. But he wasn’t answering. Dean understood why but he was not sure how to explain all of this to Journey.

            “Maybe he didn’t go to work today,” Dean offered up a suggestion.

            “But Cas always goes to work,” Journey looked up at Dean with curious eyes. He knew that she was smart and he was pretty sure she wasn’t completely oblivious to what had been going on with them over the years.

            “Maybe he is sick,” Dean hated that he said that. Now Journey was going to want to try even harder to get in contact with him.

            Once Dean had convinced her to hold off on calling Cas for a while, Dean made them some lunch and sent her out back to play. She was still recovering but just like Dean, Journey was not just someone who could sit around and do nothing for hours. She was going to read, but she was going to do it outback, in her tree house.

            Dean was halfway through cleaning up the kitchen when his cell phone began to ring. He rushed to it, thinking it was Cas but Benny’s name flashed across the screen. Not that Dean was not happy about Benny calling, but he really hoped it would have been Cas

            “Hey Benny,” Dean tried to sound cheerful over the phone, even though he was anything but.

            “Dean,” Benny’s voice was not happy, in fact, it downright terrified Dean.

            “What happened?” Dean’s mind was racing with possibilities, none of them good. “Is Andrea okay?”

            “Yes,” Benny sighed out. “Andrea is fine. But Dean … it’s Cas.”

            Dean’s heart stopped and it took all of his energy to continue holding up the phone. Something bad happened to Cas. Dean made him choose and Cas went home and something happened. Dean knew that Balthazar was not a good man but Dean did not expect Cas to be in any kind of danger. This was all Dean’s fault.

            “Dean?” Benny spoke again after a few moments of heart-stopping silence. “Are you there brotha?”

            “What happened?”

            “He fell down some stairs,” Benny began telling Dean the story. “A neighbor said that they heard someone talking to him before he fell but the police did not find anyone with him. They think that it was that Brit that he's married to but they can’t find him anywhere.”

            “Is he …” Oh God, what if Cas is gone. Benny would have told him that already, right? It’s just some cuts and bruises and everything was going to be alright. It is not as serious as Benny’s tone is leading on; it can’t be.

            “He's still alive,” Benny threw in quickly, sensing Dean’s worry. “But he's in a coma. They really won't give me any more information than that because I'm not family.”

            “He doesn’t have a family,” Dean sat down in a chair, trying to let all of this information sink in.

            “Yes he does,” Benny said firmly. “Which is why you need to get here. He needs you now more than ever.”

            Dean thanked Benny for calling and letting him know what was going on. He then made arrangements the quickest he could. He got himself and Journey packed. Journey was going to go spend the weekend with her grandparents, even though she begged Dean to go with him.

            “I want to go see Cas too,” she stomped her feet at the front door. “It’s not fair that you get to go see him without me.”

            “Baby,” Dean grabbed a hold of her arms and got down onto his knees, making direct eye contact with her. “Cas is hurt, Baby. I know you want to go but you can’t. But I promise you, I am going to bring him home.”

            “Our home?” Her voice was small and her eyes were filled with tears.

            “Yes,” Dean pulled her into a hug, making sure to be extra careful with her. She was not ready to be squeezed tightly. “I'm bringing him to our home.”

            “Will you tell him that I love him?”

            “So many times,” Dean promised. “It will be the first thing he hears.

_____

            Dean was on the next flight he could catch out of California and before he knew it, he was in Kansas again. He had been back many times in the past seven years, visiting both Benny and Cas, but this time was different. This time, his home felt a million miles away and he could barely breathe looking at all the things surrounding him. The place that he had once loved Cas with all his heart could very well be the place that Cas dies.

            Dean shook his head. He was not allowed to think like that. Cas was going to be okay. He had to be okay. Dean and Journey needed him to be okay. He was their family.

            “You made it,” Benny stood up from a chair in the small waiting room. “They won’t really let me in to see him.”

            “Thank you for staying man,” Dean pulled Benny into a hug. He tried not to cry but tears were already flooding his eyes and soaking the corner of Benny’s jacket. Benny only held him tighter.

            “Of course, brotha,” Benny hugged him for a few more minutes before finally pulling away. “Anytime.”

            “Where is he?”

            Benny gave Dean all of the information that he had and then made his way home to his family. Dean was grateful to have such an amazing friend. But now it was his turn and unlike Benny, he was not going to take no for any answer.

            “Can I help you?” A pretty girl who looked like she was going to give him hell, looked up from the counter.

            “Yeah,” Dean shuffled his feet, trying to think of how he was going to do this. “I am looking for Castiel Novak’s room.”

            “Are you family?”

            “Yes,” Dean nodded his head.

            “Relation?”

            “Partner,” Dean answered.

            “Are you Balthazar?” She asked, her eyes growing wide.

            “No,” Dean shook his head, anger filling his voice. “And if that bastard shows up, you call the cops immediately.”

            “Can I get your name?”

            “Dean,” he pulled out his ID and handed it to her. He wanted to reassure her that he was not Balthazar. “Dean Winchester.”

            “I'm not supposed to let you in,” she seemed mournful, looking back and forth down the long hallway of doors. “He's in the corner room over there.”

            Dean gave her a thankful smile. She did not have to let him in, but even she could see that he needed to be there. Cas needed someone to be there for him when he opened his eyes and that person was going to be Dean. It was going to forever be Dean.

            Dean slowly made his way toward the room, fearful of what he was going to see. When he finally entered the room, he sighed, tears once again falling from his eyes. Cas was hooked to what appeared to be a hundred different things. There was a heart monitor, showing a steady beat, which Dean hoped was a good thing. There was a tube coming out of his mouth and his eyes were closed.

            Dean inched his way forward, taking in Cas’ appearance. He had a few cuts and bruises over his body, but nothing that stood out as being bad. But that did not mean that it wasn't bad. If he had internal injuries, Dean was not going to be able to see them.

            Dean pulled up a chair from the corner and placed it next to the bed. Wrapping his fingers around Cas’ hand, Dean laid his head against the side of the bed. He did not pray often, not really sure if he believed in God or not, but today, he was going to pray. He had to do something. He wasn’t a doctor, he couldn’t fix Cas, but he could pray for him.

            “I love you,” Dean looked up at Cas. He looked like he was just peacefully sleeping. “Journey loves you … and … she really needs you to wake up now. Cause she expects you at home any day now.”


	14. Home is Where You Are

            Dean was not sure how long he had been asleep but it was long enough to cause a great deal of pain in his back and neck. He did not like to think of himself as old, but he was sure as hell too old to be sleeping in chairs. But none of that mattered at the twitch of fingers beneath his own. Dean quickly moved into a sitting position and watched Cas’ hand move under his.

            “Cas,” Dean whispered, not wanting to startle him if he was, in fact, waking up. “Baby, I’m here. Please, wake up.”

            Cas moved slowly but soon his eyes were open, looking over the room. Dean squeezed his hand and Cas’ head snapped, as quickly as it could in his state, in Dean direction. His eyes were glazed over and dim. Dean would have yelled if he knew it wouldn’t scare Cas. How could someone do this to him? Dean didn’t care what Cas ever could have done wrong. No other person should ever get away with doing this to someone else.

            “Hey baby,” Dean leaned down and kissed the top of Cas’ hand when he seemed awake and alert. “Everything is going to be okay. I promise. No one is ever going to hurt you again.”

            Together they cried and it was just what they needed.

_____

            “Think I am going to be cool now?” Cas asked, lifting his hand in order to show off some of his cuts and bruises. They made Dean sick, thinking about how Cas got them, but he was going to stay positive because Cas needed him to be positive.

            “Nah,” Dean shook his head with a small laugh. “You didn’t have anything from your body removed.”

            “Darn,” Cas laughed, but the pain from his injuries caused his face to scrunch up.

            Dean stood up and fixed Cas’ pillow and worked to get him comfortable. “You are going to need to be careful, for a while.”

            “I know,” Cas nodded, leaning back into the pillow and tightening his grip on Dean’s hand. “Thank you for coming.”

            “Did you think I wouldn’t?” Dean asked seriously. He would not blame Cas if he felt that way. They did not really part on the best of terms.

            “I messed up,” Cas looked away from Dean but Dean grabbed his chin and pulled it back in his direction.

            “You don’t get to hide from me,” Dean informed him, his voice calm. They were in this together, Cas did not get to be sad alone.

            “I should have left him seven years ago,” Cas laughed at himself, that painful look taking over his face again. “But I was scared and stupid.”

            “It’s okay,” Dean lied. Dean agreed. Cas should have left Balthazar years ago but looking at Cas made him see why he hadn’t. This was just what Cas was afraid of.

            “No, it’s not.”

            “But it will be,” Dean promised. He was making all kinds of them today.

            “Is it though?” Cas shook his head, tears slowly falling down his cheeks. “I don’t deserve you to be here. After all I have put you and Journey through, you are better off without me.”

            “Well, that can’t happen.” Dean sat up in his chair, pulling Cas’ hand up and kissing over his fingers. “I can’t break any promises today.”

            “What is that supposed to mean?”

            “I promised Journey I was going to bring you home,” He looked Cas in the eye, trying to convey somehow that he was never going to leave Cas again. He hoped that Cas could see it. “She's waiting for you.”

            “And you?” Cas asked though he had to have known the answer.

            “I’m waiting for you, too.” Dean admitted. “So, are you coming home to us?”

_____

            “What if she asks questions about this?” Cas looked down at the Cane in his hand.

            Cas had to go through therapy in order to walk again, having broken his spine in the fall. It didn’t help that his luggage landed on top of it. It took almost a month for them to release him from the hospital and even longer for him to be able to really walk on his own. They talked about transferring him to California, but his insurance would not cover that. So, Dean flew out on weekends and Cas stayed with Benny and Andrea. Together, they all worked to get Cas back to where he needed to be. Journey talked to him on the phone and even skyped him a few times but she had yet to see him in person. Today, Cas was coming home and he was nervous.

            “Then you show her that kick ass walking cane I got you,” Dean laughed, placing his arm around Cas’ waist. “And you tell her you are now a wizard.”

            “She would love that wouldn’t she?” Cas laughed. It felt so good to see him laughing.

            The smile was the hardest part to get back. Cas was constantly looking over his shoulder, afraid that Balthazar was going to show up and finish what he started. But three weeks ago, Balthazar was pulled over a few states over and now he was in Jail. He was not going to be in Jail forever, but he was going to be there for a while. They were even talking about deportation, being as he was here on a green card. Dean was not sure if that would work or not, but he was okay. Right now, Balthazar was in jail and Cas was safe. So, Cas got to smile again.

            “She knows what happened,” Dean reminded Cas. They had discussed it in great detail before telling her. They knew she was only seven but she was smart and she needed to know. She also knew that Castiel and Dean were going to be together. That part she said she already knew and was just waiting. She was more than happy to have two dads. Though, she did admit that it was weird calling him anything other than Uncle Cas. “It will be fine.”

            “I know you're right.” Cas nodded, moving forward to board the plane. Dean was holding both of their carry-ons, even though Cas informed him that he could hold his own things. Dean knew that Cas was capable, but he was not ready to stop helping him. Not yet. Once they got home, they could move forward, but right now, they were still in Kansas and Dean was still going to take care of him.

            “Here we go,” Dean held out his hand to take Cas’ free one. “Ready to go home?”

            “I’ve been ready for thirteen years.”

            “Well, then we better get going.”

            “Let's,” Castiel smiled, a truly genuine smile and Dean could not help but lean over and kiss it, right in front of everyone.

            “Yes,” Dean nodded, smiling back at him. “Let’s.”


	15. Never Thought This Day Would Come

           The entire family was together, which happened quite a bit these days. They had all grown closer over the years and as foreign as it had been at first, it was just the kind of life Dean had hoped he would get to live. So, here they were, all piling into their seats. Bobby and Ellen were talking about how many people there were and that it was only going to get hotter. They thought it was stupid to have to dress up on such warm days, but it was a special event and they would suffer through anything for this. Sam and Sarah argued with Jessica. She was eight and really had no desire to sit for the next two or three hours. She would rather be playing at home. Dean did not blame her, Journey would have been the same way when she was eight. Then there was Castiel, Dean and Zadkiel, or Zad for short. Dean expected Zad to be the worst one for sitting around, considering he was only five, but he seemed patient, sitting quietly between Dean and Cas.

           “So,” Bobby leaned in, so only their family could hear him. “This is a kindergarten graduation, right?”

           “You sound like Dean,” Castiel laughed, looking over at his husband of last ten years. Dean had been complaining all day about his little girl growing up and how he was not ready for it; how he would never be ready for it.

           “She’s not supposed to be old enough to graduate from High School,” Dean leaned back in his seat, faking a pouty face, which Zad mimicked. “She is supposed to be graduating from kindergarten.”

           “Quiet, both of you,” Ellen chimed in. “There will be no whining on this special day, only celebrating. Do you understand?”

           “Yes,” Bobby and Dean grumbled at the same time.

           “Now quiet,” She shushed them all. “It’s starting.”

           The ceremony was just as boring as Dean imagined it would be. The principal got up and said a bunch of things that Dean did not really listen to, though he could see Cas was taking it all in. Dean was grateful for Cas. They were the completion of each other, making up a unit that was actually, one really kick-ass parent. But still, Dean was bored. Until his daughter’s name was mentioned.

           “I would now like to bring up our Valedictorian.” The principal began and Dean begged himself not to cry. “This young lady has been the true meaning of diversity, strength and overall, kindness. She shows up to every event she can, cheers on her fellow students and truly sets an example to live by. She has been a pleasure to get to know over the last four years and we cannot wait to see where she ends up because we know it's going to be great. Ladies and Gentlemen, Journey Winchester-Novak.”

           Everyone surrounding Dean shot up to their feet and began to cheer as Journey made her way to the podium. She truly looked like her mother, the deep hazel eyes, the devious smile and the brown hair that fell over her shoulder in curls, but she was so much more than that. Where she had parts of Bela, it was easy to tell that she had come from Dean and been raised by him and Castiel. She was truly one beautiful young woman, even if Dean was not ready for her to be so grown up.

           “Principal Crowley,” Journey began, standing tall at the podium, looking like she was ready to conquer the world. “Faculty, fellow students, family, and friends; Welcome. We are so pleased that you are able to join us on this day that we thought would never come, only to realize how bittersweet all of our wanting truly was. While we are about to venture off into the world, we will have to leave behind just as much as we are about to receive.

           I thought about telling you a joke or some funny story, something to fill the stadium with hope and joy and happiness but I could not find a story that fit the emotions that I have been feeling about this day. My story, unfortunately, is a little sadder, but don’t worry, it has a happy ending.”

           Dean and Cas both looked at each other, wondering what was about to happen. They had asked Journey for weeks what she was going to talk about. Dean had even considered sneaking into her room and trying to find her notes, but he knew that would not go over well. She trusted him enough to not do that, no matter how badly he wanted to. So, neither of them knew what she was going to say, but if they knew her like they thought they did, they both knew it was going to be beautiful. Dean reached out and grabbed Cas’ hand, squeezing it between his. Zad happily joined in, placing his hand on top of his fathers’. They then all turned their attention back to Journey, today, after all, was her day.

           “I hate to be the person to talk about my struggles and how they lead to my success,” she continued and Dean knew they were all about to cry. “That seems to be a common story told by all but I understand why. To get where you are going, you should realize where you came from. So, this is my story, one that is shared with two incredible people, my father's Dean and Castiel. My mother died when I was little and while I never knew her, I have heard stories. I wish she could have gotten a chance to see me grow up and it would have been nice to have a mother, luckily though, I was never lacking.

           “My dad Castiel is an amazing man. Though he is not my father by blood, he is the man who chose, against all odds to love me; it even at one point, nearly cost him his life. But he moved forward and did not let the horrible things that happen to him hold him back. He came to us and showed us what surviving truly was. And through that, I learned to be strong through all the odds, no matter how against me they may have been.

           “And then there is my father Dean. Growing up was not a good experience for my father. His life was filled with tragedy, fear and no knowledge of what a home or love felt like. Though he will probably be angry that I know this information, my father never wanted to be a dad. He thought that he would never be able to be a better parent than his own father. He worried that any child he had, would also live in tragedy, fear and never have love or a home. But he was wrong. My father worked hard to make sure that I had everything he did not have. I have never gone without a home. I have never been in fear, beyond that of a spider on my wall, which he happily takes care of as well.”

           There was a laugh and it was much needed, anything to cut through the tears that were currently falling, not only Dean’s but everyone else’s faces.

           “But most of all,” Dean took a deep breath and tried to keep his cool. He didn’t want his tears to stop him from hearing all that she had to say. “I never went a day without love. If I walk away from this life tomorrow, the one thing I will be one hundred percent certain of, is that I am loved, by so many people. And that is what I wish for all of you. Sure, I hope all your dreams come true. I wish you a home and a life without fear. But most of all. I wish you all love. When you find love, or take the time to realize that the love is already there, the rest will fall into place. Thank you all for giving me the best four years. So, I want to thank my dad’s for loving me, but most of all, for loving each other.”

____

 

           Not really being one for parties, Dean agreed anyways. Ellen had shut down the Roadhouse and invited any of the graduates and their family to come in. It cost a pretty penny but it was worth it to see the smile on Journey’s face, as she laughed, surrounded by all of her friends. She was the proof that Dean had succeeded in life. Dean loved Cas with everything he had, along with their son Zad, who was biologically Cas’, but Journey … she was his soul saver.

           “We really got lucky,” Cas snuggled up against Dean once they were home and in bed. Journey was staying at a friend’s house for the weekend, they were going to talk about their plans for college. Dean had already worked it out that they would share a dorm. And Zad begged until Bobby and Ellen agreed that he could stay. He didn’t really have to beg hard. He already had them wrapped around his little fingers.

           “You’re telling me,” Dean smiled down at Cas, kissing the top of his head. He did not know what he would have done had Cas not chosen them. “We did good.”

           “You did great,” Cas confirmed, but Dean shook his head.

           “We did great,” Dean corrected him. “Mine wasn’t the only name she mentioned up there.”

           “Thank you, Dean,” Castiel pulled himself up and leaned over his husband.

           “For what?” Dean asked curiously.

           “For giving me a home, taking away my fear,” Cas leaned in and pressed his lips softly to Dean’s. “And for loving me.”

           “Forever,” Dean promised, pulling Dean back into a kiss.

           This time though, the kiss was not soft and sweet. It was rough and desperate. No matter how long they had been together, there was no emotion as intense as the one he felt when Cas was kissing him, pressed up against him. Dean’s body was constantly aching to be near Cas as if it couldn’t breathe when he wasn’t around. If Journey had been his soul saver, Cas was his soul mate.

           “Dean,” Cas breathed heavily against Dean’s mouth.

           “Yeah, baby?” Dean asked, looking up at Cas through lidded eyes.

           “Make love to me,” Cas all but begged.

           “Mmm,” Dean growled, pulling Cas down into him and then flipping them over, pinning Cas to the bed. “With pleasure Mr. Winchester-Novak.”


End file.
